Belated birthday thoughts

As some of you know, I went to college at the University of Delaware WAY back in the early 1990s (gasp!!). I started off my college career as a very shy, homesick  girl with HUGE “jersey” hair in a “triple” (3 girls crammed into a dorm room made for 2) on the first floor of the Russell A dorm.

While I can not remember the names of all the 40+ kids that lived on that floor in the fall of 1990, I can actually remember a few.

There were my neighbors, Paul and Dan who were a little OCD with Taco Bell.  Julie and Dawn who lived down the hall, the annoying sorority girls who lived across from me and this tall, lanky kid from NY named Jeff.

Whereas I tended to hide in my room, Jeff was a fixture in the hallways talking to everyone and anyone. He was sarcastic and loved to do this joke about Jim Henson and Kermit the Frog.

Over the years I would see Jeff on campus and we would chat. He was a writer for Delaware’s newspaper The Review and by senior year he was the editor.

After college we exchanged some letters (yes, we had to write letters and mail them with a stamp) before losing touch.

Life went on, I got married, had some kids and then came Facebook.

Voila there was Jeff after all these years.

Jeff Pearlman was now a “famous” author AND writer for Sports Illustrated. He was married to a woman he completely adored and had 2 beautiful kids.

Over the years, we exchanged messages and I read Jeff’s posts and blogs on Facebook. While I couldn’t always relate to the political or sports-related ones I could always relate to his blogs on family and kids.

This past April, Jeff did a blog in honor of his 41st birthday here. He reminisced about celebrating his 21st birthday 20 years earlier at the Stone Balloon in Newark, DE.

After reading it I was instantly transported to my own 21st birthday also spent at the Stone Balloon.

May 20, 1993 was the series finale of the beloved NBC sitcom Cheers and I remember cramming in the Cristina Towers lounge with friends watching the finale and saying farewell to Sam, Norm, Cliff, Woody and Carla.

Afterwards, my roommate and walked to the Stone Balloon and took our place in line with some friends. I was holding my ID tight anxiously waiting my turn to get inside.

When we walked in, I felt disappointed or let down. The inside of the famed Balloon looked like the basement of a fraternity house not the mecca I had heard about for years on campus.

It was hot and dimly lit packed with co-eds drinking beer. The music was blasting and I happily downed any shot given to me.  Finally I was 21!!

Funny, I can’t remember what I wore yesterday but somehow I can remember a drunken night 20 years ago.

That YOUNG, drunk girl had no idea that 20 years later she would be a mom to 4 boys living in suburbia and driving a mini-van.

Young Me had no clue about “life.” That it a mixture of joy/sadness/humor and strength.

The good eventually outweighs the bad and everything happens for a reason – even if that reason isn’t always clear.

I won’t lie, there are times I wish I could go back in time and be that young, naïve 21yo again - except with the knowledge I have now.

I would tell her to loosen up, follow your dreams, never give up and most importantly be happy.

Stop comparing yourself to others, appreciate your true friends and family and all the little things in life. And know that you are not as bad as you think you are (lol).

Thank you Jeff for this little trip down memory lane and for allowing me the use of your blog.

Thanks for reading, enjoy your Tuesday.

Decisions, decisions, decisions

English: Razor Pro Model built in Feb. 2010 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Today is the twins 6th birthday.  I remember crying, in a drug induced fog, when they wheeled me back into my hospital room repeating over and over again OMG it’s 2 boys?!

The twins have been complete opposites since the womb. M has always been high maintenance, always needing to be seen and heard and be right. J is very laid back, doesn’t like a lot of attention and is quite content to be watching tv or looking at car magazines.

M wants EVERYTHING he sees on tv and whatever the newest trend is (currently he loves Legos, ninjas, Batman and The Avengers). J could care less about any of the Avengers and would rather have a Matchbox car than a Lego.

When the boys go to Target M picks out 100 things he wants (and needs) as soon as we walk in the store. J can take an hour to decide between a blue and green Monster Truck.

The boys are like night and day which is fine except when it comes to birthdays (and Christmas) and what kind of present(s) they want. M started making a birthday list on December 26th. Everyday he looked at the calendar to see how far away June was and demand to know why he was born in the summer and not winter.

J also looked at the calendar but rarely mentioned anything he wanted. If he did see something he liked, it was usually something BIG that cost over $200 (new bike, dune buggy, ATV).

As their birthday approached, the husband and I (well more me) started to worry about what to get the twins. M was pretty easy since he had a never-ending list but what about J?? I kept thinking an idea would just come to me but one never did.

Desperate,  last night I asked J if he wanted to go to TRU with me (alone) to pick out a present. Shocked he asked  M isn’t coming? Just me and you? and quickly got his shoes and ran to the van.

We got to the store and I told J to pick out whatever he wanted (within reason) and he just stood there. I coaxed him inside and we walked up and down EVERY SINGLE AISLE and J saw NOTHING he wanted. We repeated this THREE MORE TIMES and still he saw nothing he wanted.

Now it is after 8pm and I am just amazed that this kid can not pick out 1 toy in the entire TRU. His brother would have had 3 carts filled by now, heck, his father would have had a cart filled!

 I was getting tired so I started rattling off a list of stuff, begging him to pick something, anything so we could leave. Wii game, skate board, scooter, RC car, Lego????? Nah was all I got.

I sat down on a box and pulled J close to me. I looked him in the eyes and told him (ever so calmly) that the store was closing and he had to pick something or we were leaving. He stared at me with his big, hazel eyes (he is so cute!) and I could see him processing what I said. FINALLY he decided upon a scooter (we only had to stare at the scooter for 15 minutes until he found one he liked).

J fell asleep on the way home and looked so happy and peaceful. It is rare that I am ever alone with J and I think he was truly happy just being with me with no interruptions or brothers telling him what to do.

Happy Birthday to my men and many more!!!! 

My 2nd “date” with the IT Guy

I have really been milking my birthday these past couple weeks. To date I’ve had a bday dinner with my friend L, a night away with the husband and a happy hour with Mrs. Jeter and Midgie. I figured by the time Memorial Day rolled around I would be all birthday’d out until…. IT Guy asked me on a 2nd lunch “date”.

As you may remember, IT and I had our first “date” a month or so ago at On the Border. It was my first “date” since 1997 and I was a nervous wreck before hand with thoughts of What if IT didn’t like me? What if he never emailed me again or ignored me in the hallway? What if I never had anyone to go to lunch with again??!

All that worrying was for naught because IT and I had a lovely lunch, although it was the tiniest bit awkward and a little weird.

Anyway, last week IT emailed me and asked if I would be up for a birthday lunch on Tuesday (Midgie had reminded him). I played it off cool and said that would be nice, quickly texting Midgie to keep her apprised of the situation.

Tuesday came and I made sure to iron before leaving for work in preparation for my date. I got to my desk and there was a voicemail from IT canceling our date. It seems he had to make a diaper run to Target for his wife but he promised to reschedule. Damn no lunch AND I didn’t bring anything with me!

IT emailed the following day asking if I was free on Wednesday (yesterday). He said it was his treat since it was my birthday (and I was now his elder). A free lunch was rare and I was excited. My excitement was soon squashed, however,  when IT threw out his 2 date suggestions 1) Steak & Hoagie or 2) Romeos for pizza.

Seriously?

The buffalo cheese steak is to die for IT raved on the phone. No, I couldn’t bring myself to eat a the hoagie place down the street so I came up with Ruby Tuesdays for the $5 margaritas, and offered to go dutch. IT was sold!

We met in the lobby, so as not to have our co-workers start rumors (lol), and I told IT he had to drive since I had the husband’s Expedition and backing up was not an option for me (don’t ask). 

Lunch was more relaxed than last time.  IT seemed more at ease and neither of  us felt the need to  down our margaritas in one gulp. We discussed getting old and birthdays and a bunch of other stuff I can’t remember. The only real awkward moment(s) were when we approached a door. IT didn’t know if he should hold it open for me or walk in front - I let him hold it, I am a lady after all.

IT is a bit of a clock watcher so after an hour and 5 or so minutes he was inching his way out of the booth (typical man!). On the elevator ride up to work I thanked him lunch (he treated) and promised to take him to Steak & Hoagie for his birthday in July. We parted ways when the elevator opened and quickly (IT more than me) went back to our desks.

Another successful “date” under my belt.

Out with the Old and in with the New

birthday cake (Photo credit: freakgirl)

Tick- tick- tick- tick

This is the only sound I hear in my head now (literally, I am sitting next to a loud clock with a second hand) as I count down the remaining 1 hour and 14 minutes or so that remain of my 30s.

I am typing this while sipping some $2 Chuck and snacking on the kids’ leftover m&ms in utter denial that I am about to turn 40. I know, I have talked about this ad nauseam for months – enough already! But it’s serious now, it’s literally an hour away.

 I understand that age is just a number and you are only as old as you feel. I know that I should embrace my 40s (they are the “new” 30s) and become my own woman. I should be happy I am not in my 20s anymore (actually I am ok with that one) and look forward to this next chapter in my life cause after all, it’s better than the alternative.

I know that I will look exactly the same when I am woken up by the kids tomorrow at 6am (except for my new polka dot pj pants purchased at Target tonight) and that essentially everything will be exactly the same tomorrow as it is right now (except with cake and cards). I get all that but still I am a little sad.

I just feel a little old. I remember when my mom turned 40 and my grandpa thew her and my grandma a surprise party (they sort of shared the same birthday). I was 15 and had recently gotten a perm (don’t ask) and I made us late for the party because I didn’t like how my hair looked (I was 15 after all). I remember sitting there and thinking OMG my mom is 40, I hope I am never that old!!

I remember going to my uncle’s surprise 40th birthday party and watching him open up a present and hold up a t-shirt that had the letters S-H-I-T So Happy I Turned Forty printed on it. Everyone laughed when he held up the shirt and I rolled my eyes thinking that old people were so weird.

When my father turned 40 his wife (at the time) was 10 years younger and bought him a Carvel ice cream cake that said Happy 1st Anniversary of Your 39th Birthday and I remember how we all laughed thinking that would NEVER be us on the other end of that cake.

Well now it’s my turn and all I keep thinking is How the hell did that happen?! 

I swear it was just yesterday that I was just 24 and having drinks at The Office in Montclair with my friends M, L and L’s boyfriend (now hubby) T talking about how I was going to be 25 and how that was like SO old (yes, I was an ass). Wasn’t I just 30 and going to celebrate with the husband at the Molly Pitcher Inn in Red Bank for dinner? Wait, wasn’t it just the other day that I was almost 34 and about to have the twins?! Where the hell did the time go??!!

All day I have been doing a little check-list in my head of all the things I haven’t done (I haven’t gone to Europe or Hawaii, won the lottery, lost the last 10lbs from when L was born, had a 1 night stand or been swept off my feet by George Clooney). I also checked off some things I DID do (had 4 cute kids, got married, made some great friends, learned what a friend is, gained some confidence and started blogging). 

I guess the things I have done outweight the things I haven’t (except maybe the George one) and I would like to take a minute to bid adieu to some things I hope to leave behind in my 30s.

Goodbye scared, insecure girl always afraid of saying the wrong thing or worrying that someone won’t like her; Adios being intimidated by people who THINK they are smarter, prettier, more successful etc.; farewell always looking in the mirror and picking out all the faults; and hasta la vista being afraid to try something new for fear of looking dumb.

I am getting a little sleepy (old age does that to a person) so I guess I will wrap up. The husband and I are leaving for an overnight trip to Cape May tomorrow and I will do my best to enjoy the quiet that comes with leaving the kids at home!!

Happy birthday to me and let’s hope there are MANY more!

Let the countdown begin! (ugh)

Candles spell out the traditional English birthday greeting (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Well today is May 1st and most people are thrilled. Winter is over (although this past winter in Central New Jersey was VERY mild) and Memorial Day is around the corner and then it will ”officially” be summer. Time for the beach, back yard bbqs, longer days and kids on summer vacation.

When I was little, May was my absolute FAVORITE month because my birthday is May 20th. I remember whining through the first half of the year, jealous of all the winter birthday babies (like my brother), always asking my mother why I didn’t have a January birthday. Back then birthdays meant cake, parties and most importantly presents!!

Birthdays are a big deal in my family and we celebrate everyone’s with cake (of their choice) and a “party” . When I first met my husband he thought this was very weird since his immediate family barely acknowledged birthdays (to this day my MIL will call my husband 2-3 days BEFORE his birthday to wish him a “happy birthday”). Why are we going to X’s house for birthday cake? he would ask every month until March rolled around and it was his turn. Suddenly the birthday thing was pretty cool.

I always loved my birthday and didn’t really mind getting older (relatively speaking). In high school I counted down the days till I turned 17 and could drive and in college, my 21st birthday couldn’t come fast enough. Once I graduated from college though, things changed and birthdays weren’t as “fun” as they used to be. Sure there were special milestones (25yo - met husband;  28yo – got married; 34 – had twins etc.) but each year it got a little harder to celebrate getting older.

This was especially true around age 38. It became very clear that 40 was just around the corner and I could no longer consider myself in my early or even mid-30. I was one step closer to 40 which was O-L-D.

Ugh, the big 4-0!! I couldn’t even let my mind go there. 40 is not cool, 40 is 40. Remember when you were little and you would hear that someone was 40? Remember the images you would conjure up in your head?

I know I am being ridiculous. Age is a number, you are only as old as you feel blah blah blah. I know that I will be the same person on May 19th that I will be May 20th. I will look the same and my life will be the same – I get it.

I am happy with the changes I have seen in myself over the years. I am not the same person now that I was at 22 (thank god). I am even looking forward to this next chapter but it’s a little bittersweet. 

I am not alone in how I feel. The Class of 1990 all turns 40 this year and there have been many Facebook posts talking about it. Some people could care less, some were a little scared/sad and other threw big parties. I guess it is all in your mind-set.

I have mentioned this birthday in other blogs before and I have gotten great feedback from friends who are already 40. It makes me feel a little better. I am gonna try to not dwell for the next 19 days and I will even try to enjoy the actual day. (The husband and I are going on an overnight trip to Cape May and I will be able to sleep all night (uninterrupted) and past 6am the next day!! ) There will be cake and presents and friends and family (my kids especially) that want to take me out to celebrate. I guess it won’t be that bad. Besides I can always lie about my age if anyone dared to ask.

ps – If you are still in your 20s PLEASE do not tell me that 40 isn’t old or that you feel old at the ripe old age of 27 – thanks!

OMG I’m NOT a girly girl?!

Belle (Photo credit: Valerie Reneé)

I have always considered myself a girl’s girl and at times I guess a girly girl. I LOVE to shop and get my nails done and nothing makes me happier than a new lip gloss (you should have seen my smile when Bobbi Brown changed the size of her shimmer glosses).

When I was growing up I assumed I would have 2 kids - a boy and a girl. My husband would play with the boy while me and my girl would shop and get manicures and have lunch together. There was never a doubt in my mind that I would have a daughter, it was a given.

Imagine the complete and total shock I felt on June 27, 2006 when (at about 1:19pm) I was told I was the mom to not 1 but 2 baby boys!!!!!!!!!! I was in a state of shock for hours afterward (that and the drugs from the c-section and high blood pressure) and could not comprehend how I would be able to raise 2 boys. What the heck do boys play with and OMG there are NO cute boy clothes!

The years went on and 2 more boys joined my brood. After L was born I accepted that I was never going to have a girl and that God must have a reason for blessing me with 4 boys. It’s ok, I have a niece, I will make her my pseudo daughter.

When my niece was born (2 months before the twins) I was thrilled and couldn’t wait to shop for her. Baby clothes, especially for girls, are SO much fun. I loved all the little hats and accessories too.

As my niece Belle got older though something changed. I would talk to her and go to stores and I realized that I had no idea what little girls liked. I would walk into Gap or Gymboree and be clueless about what was “cool” and what Belle would like. OMG what was happening??

Who knew that little girls wear leggings under EVERY skirt or dress and that purple NOT pink was their favorite color. How the heck was I supposed to know that pjs for girls came with little frilly tutus that went over the pj bottoms - at my house all we cared about were monster trucks and Spiderman.

I would see little girls at the mall and be shocked at how they dressed (how old are you?) and sometimes envious of their Ipod touches with designer cases and Coach handbags. Wow, girls are not what I thought.

This past Saturday was Belle’s 6th birthday, the theme was Monster High Ghouls – wtf is that?! She was having girlfriends over to her house to decorate cupcakes and make jewelry and said my boys could come over AFTER her friends left. The boys were happy with that since they had zero desire to make jewelry and hang out with a bunch of “burls”.

Friday night I went to Children’s Place to get Belle a gift card and outfit. Should be easy enough right? WRONG. I walked in and went to the girl section and just stood there in a state of shock and wonderment. I have never been on acid but after being on “that side” of the store for over 30 minutes I could only imagine that is what it feels like.

The music was blasting and everything was pink, purple or turquoise and covered in glitter or lace. There were leggings and bike shorts and tunics and tank tops. Everywhere I turned there were headbands and flip-flops or lip glosses and let’s not forget the jewelry. I walked around in a daze until finally I managed to put together turquoise bike shorts with a tee and headband.

At Belle’s party the next day me and the boys walked into a sea of purple, silver and black balloons with pictures of the Monster High Ghouls all over. Everywhere we looked there were mini Belles dressed in leggings with sequin or lacy tutus over them. The girls all giggled and ran around occasionally whispering something to their friends.

 As we ate our Hannah Montana birthday cake I realized how far removed from girls I am and how I can no longer in good conscious call myself a “girly girl”. 

A true girly girl would have known what Monster High dolls Belle had and what is new in the world of Barbie. A girly girl would know that jewelry making is fun (really?) and that all the bike shorts and flip-flops  in the world can not compete with a Justin Beiber nightgown (ugh!).

I guess there is a reason God gave me boys. After all, my boys think I am the girliest girl they know and hopefully I will never have to worry about them stealing my lip gloss or borrowing my favorite earrings.

Bowling pins, cupcakes and memories

Today the kids and I went to my nephew’s 3rd birthday party at a bowling alley. When I got the evite last month my first thought was not excitement it was dread.  Me with 4 kids at a bowling party on a Saturday afternoon?? Was my sister-in-law insane? It would be crowded and loud and the kids would be all over the place. How the heck would I be able to help the twins bowl and keep an eye on J? I had visions of L running up and down the lanes hitting the pins or someone crying that they wanted to go home. What would I do if someone dropped a bowling ball? Poor me.

I had done it again, instead of being excited for the kids to try something new, something they may like, I made it all about me, my anxiety and my fears. I hate this about myself. While I don’t think I play the pity card too often, I do use it more than I should. Usually I play it before a party or some sort of social gathering when I will be responsible for my kids and other people will be around to see (and possibly judge) me and my  parenting. What will people think if L is running all over or if the twins cry? Will they think I am one of those mothers that lets their kids do xy & z? Will they think I am a flustered mess?

Well I survived the party and the kids had an absolute blast bowling. All my worrying was for not since no one paid any attention to me.  Why would they? Today was not about me and my insecurities it was about a 3yo’s birthday and his cousins having a great time trying something new. During the party I took a minute to take it all in, to watch all my kids and really look at the smiles on their faces as they would throw the bowling ball and watch it hit the pins. The excitement as my 2yo got a spare his first time up or the way the kids sang Happy Birthday and fought over Lighting McQueen goody bags. That is what it is all about.

I decided on the way home to make a change. To take a lesson from my own kids and just start enjoying the moment and stop worrying. After all, if I want my kids to enjoy life and trying new things I need to be the one to set the example. So for now I will enjoy my leftover cupcake and look forward to the next birthday invitation and whatever adventure it will bring.