Life goes on

Hi everyone. Sorry I went MIA again – maybe that should be my new blog name (lol). After the horrific events in Boston, it felt almost disrespectful to blog about the everyday nonsense and drama in my life.

I remember being really young and my neighbor telling me to ask my mom where she was when Kennedy was shot.

I had no idea what my little friend was talking about, who the heck was “Kennedy” and why were they shot??

I did eventually ask my mom, although I can’t remember what her answer was. I asked her how she was able to remember something that happened so long ago and she said it was a life changing event, something you always remember.

Oh, ok I thought to myself before I went back to play. “Life changing” at the age of 5 is losing your favorite toy little did I know.

In the years since I have experienced a lot of life changing events and I can remember where I was for all of them.

The space shuttle Challenger explosion,  Oklahoma City bombings, Columbine, the first World Trade Center bombing, 9/11, Newtown and now Boston.

It’s sad that we as a nation and world have experienced so many horrific events in a lifetime. Sadly, we will more than likely add more to our memories over time.

Personally, I can’t let myself dwell too much on all the media coverage. Yes, I follow current events and like to know what is going on in the world, but if I devote all my waking hours to the 24/7 coverage, quite frankly, I would never leave my house or let my kids out of my sight.

I caught myself the other day, reading several articles on the young, 8yo victim in Boston. My heart broke for his family. His mom and sister both suffered serious injuries and his family is left trying to make sense of it all while trying to get through the next hours and days.

I felt myself getting into a mood and had to force myself to put the Iphone down and do something else. I don’t remember if it was refereeing an argument with the twins or helping my 3yo put on his cape.

Whatever it was, it made me realize that my kids have no idea of the troubled world we live in. Yes, they know there are “bad” people out there that do “bad” things but that’s it.

To them, not getting a toy on a Target run, their beloved Lego creation being smashed by a sibling or their pet Bella going to live with the angels in Heaven is as bad as it gets.

I envy them. They are innocent, happy and good at heart. They need to enjoy life and experience all it has to offer.

For them and for us, life goes on even after tragedy. I keep reading on all the media and social media sites how America and Americans will persevere because we are good and good always trumps evil.

It’s true. Look at all we have gone through and we always come out stronger as a nation and community.

Today my 3yo’s daycare was holding a prom for the students. Parents were encouraged to dress their little ones in their “Sunday Best” and the kids would be treated to music, snacks and LOTS of dancing.

L looked pretty darn handsome when he left for Prom today. His smile was huge and he was so proud when I told him how cute he looked.

Life goes on.

My Little Prom King

I am THE MEANEST mommy ever

This has been a crazy week at Casa Chaos with me going back to work and the kids settling into another new routine. I thought we were all adapting and told myself by next week it should be good – well as good as it can ever be with 4 young boys.

I will admit that I may not always be the most patient mother, especially in the mornings before (and during) coffee, but my children (2 in particular) could really test the patience of a saint at times.

Whenever I tell someone  I have 4 boys, within seconds this response follows

“4 boys really?? You going to try for the girl?? oh….well… you are lucky boys are SO much easier than girls.”

I laugh and change the subject thinking about how nuts my house is 24/7.

Lately my “older” twin M has been a little moody. Not sure if it is the terrible 6s, a mid-life crisis or maybe his room isn’t zen enough. Ever since the womb, M has been either hot or cold.  There is no in between with him.

One minute he will tell me he loves me SOOO much and the next he’ll tell us he wants to live alone.

I remember the first time M yelled I hate you!!! It was like a kick to the stomach.

How could my M, my little Bugman, say such a thing to me HIS OWN MOTHER???!!!! I carried him AND his brother for 37 1/2 weeks and gained 80 pounds! I have done everything for him and he has the nerve to hate me?????

I remember telling Mrs. Jeter and she laughed and said her son tells her that all the time. Other friends told me the same thing and after a while I got over the hurt.

Now M says it to me almost daily so the words don’t sting or even phase me – mostly. Once in a while it gets to me and instead of ignoring it,  I  tell him to go find a new mommy. I have even offered to help him pick one out from the
“New Mommy Catalog.”

A week or so ago, M and I were arguing over something “important” (probably chicken nuggets or juice) when he got really upset and yelled YOU ARE THE MEANEST MOMMY EVER!!!!

Gasp – say what????!!

I can’t remember what set M off that day but I gave him some time to cool off. I didn’t bother him or try to talk to him until he had calmed down. A little while later he came over, sniffling and wiping tears, and told me he was sorry and he loved me and I was the best mommy.

So sweet right??

Well since then M has told me at least 5 or so more times that I am a “mean mommy” so I thought I would make a list of all the mean things I do and share it with my friends in blogosphere.

In no particular order, here are M’s reasons why I am THE meanest Mommy ever:

1) I always make him take a shower/bath when he is playing Legos

2) All I ever make is chicken and chicken is dumb

3) He is never allowed to have soda and Mommy and Daddy drink it and it’s just NOT FAIR

4) I refused to buy him the $400 Death Star Lego and some other random $50 Star Wars ship at a recent trip to Target

5) How dare I pick him up from after care and not bring snacks with me

6) When M is in time out, I don’t  allow him to have a cookie or watch tv

7) I always make him get dressed for school when he is watching tvf

8) We never have any good snacks, he is sick and tired of Cheez Its, Goldfish, cookies and crackers they are SO BORING

9) M wants to live alone because our house is too loud and messy

10) OMG how could I not have jean shorts for him to wear to school today???!

This list is just from the past week or so, and as you can see, I am THE meanest mom alive! Poor M, he has no idea what he is in for in the years to come (lol).

Enjoy your Thursday!!

ps – This list is just from the past 2 weeks, I am sure I will update it soon

Somewhere on the spectrum….

On January 10, 2011 my son J was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). I can remember everything about that day. It was a Monday and I had taken the day off work. The temperature outside was in the teens and so J and I were both bundled in our puffy coats patiently waiting for J’s name to be called.

The waiting room was not child friendly, surprising since it was a children’s hospital. There were some torn books scattered on a table and some weird mirror shaped like a fish that reflected everything upside down.

J tried amusing himself as I filled out what seemed like a million forms.  There were insurance forms, privacy forms, health history and family background questionnaires. I answered questions like:

How much did your child weigh at birth? Has your child ever had surgery? Does your child look at you when you call his or her name? Can your child point his finger in the direction of an object? How many words can your child say and at what age did he/she say their first word(s)? Was your pregnancy “normal” ? and What age did your child crawl?

After what seemed like forever, J’s name was called and off we went to get weighed and measured before being ushered into a tiny room with a huge table and a bunch of toys. I was introduced to the Advance Practice Nurse (Sally) who asked me pretty much every question I had just answered on the forms in the waiting room.

Sally then asked J (who was pretty non-verbal at the time) questions before she “observed” him in several different controlled settings. J was asked to “play” with things like baby dolls (I mentioned J is one of 4 BOYS right?), goldfish crackers and a magic wand

Nurse Sally explained that there was no definitive ”test” to diagnosis autism. Rather, children must meet a number of criteria in a developmental screening or standardized assessment, to determine if they are on the  autism spectrum.

Well, J is fine, I know he does NOT have autism, I thought to myself as Sally babbled away.

Finally after a half hour or so the nurse turned to me and very matter-of-factly said …your son has Autism Spectrum Disorder….

My world was shattered. All the hopes and dreams I had for my blond-haired, blue-eyed baby were gone.

The weeks and months that followed J’s diagnosis are a blur. Suddenly the only things I talked about concerned OT, PT, sensory-seeking, redirection, speech therapy, story boards, PECs, ABA, IEPs, support groups, dietary concerns and whether I would allow my almost 3yo to ride the “little” school bus to his new, ABA, autism, inclusive preschool.

WTF happened to our lives? Why my J??????

Slowly, VERY slowly, things started changing with J. He started to become more and more verbal, using words for things like “cookie” and “tv. “ He stopped pointing to get our attention and started to write his name and do “normal” preschool activities.

In the 2 years since J’s diagnosis we have had many highs and even more lows. For every new milestone it seems like there is a set back hanging out on the horizon.

I often tell people having a child on “the spectrum” is like riding a roller coaster. Just when you start to get used to something and think everything is going to be ok, you plunge into another unknown and feel like you are back at square 1.

J’s teachers and therapists have alwayst told me it’s all about the “baby steps.”  I need to focus on how far J’s progress has come and NOT dwell on  how far he still needs to go. While I know this advice is true, it is ALWAYS easier said than done.

Last week was President’s Day and J’s school had a small assembly. J’s teacher sent a note home that J gave a small speech about our 4th president James Madison. Miss Heidi said J worked on his speech for weeks and was VERY proud when he was finished.

I saw the laminated “speech” in his backpack and decided to ask him to read it to me and my mom. The little video that follows is nothing short of a miracle. Here is a little boy who, 2 years ago, could say only a couple of words and now he was reading about James Madison!

The look on J’s face at the end of the video says it all and the pride I feel and love I feel for J is overwhelming. He has worked SO hard and it pays off everyday.

Having a child with autism is not easy and there are days I wish J was “normal.” However, then J will do something really, really great, like this video, and I think to myself everything IS going to be alright.

My 2013 in review

Hello my friends out there in the great blogosphere. It’s me, I am back – did you miss me????

To say it’s been a crazy couple weeks, would be an understatement. Heck,  who am I kidding -2013 has been having a REALLY good time with me thus far.

It’s given me sickness, health, humor, drama, drugs  AND a herniated disk. What more could a girl want – besides maybe George Clooney waiting at my front door???

Seriously, 2013 has been kicking my ass but I have tried to maintain my sense of humor through it all. It’s all about making lemonade out of lemons and all that other positive crap right?

I wasn’t sure what to write about today. I had a couple of ideas and have a couple of drafts started and saved for a rainy, writer’s block day.

Even as I sit here typing, I am still not quite sure what I should write about. I guess I figure if I babble long enough the
“perfect” blog will magically appear.

You know what, maybe I will just give you guys some of the “highlights” of the past couple weeks. Hopefully I will be able to convey the humor, irony and lesson(s) learned. One thing is for sure, my life is never dull.

1) My Aunt

On January 21st my aunt/godmother/nanny/second mom, went into a diabetic coma and spent 2 weeks in the ICU. It was touch and go there for a while and no one knew what would happen. It was like the rug was pulled out from under me and my family and we had no idea what to do.

For weeks, life revolved around ICU visiting hours and status updates while trying to keep up a “normal” life for the kids who had lost the only babysitter they had ever known.

Throughout the weeks my aunt was in the hospital, I did Facebook updates to keep friends/family apprised of her progress. When I did the first update, I wasnt really thinking too many people would read it, or if they did that they would comment. Never have I been so wrong.

The outpouring from friends, family and acquaintances was overwhelming. The heat felt messages and prayers really touched me and made me appreciate the people in my life. I even connected with people I hadn’t talked to in over 20 years.

I came out of this experience having learned some stuff 1) your true friends are there for you in a crisis 2) I am a strong person and really capable and able of getting through a tough situation  3) there is something to be said for the power of prayer. I am not a religious person, despite 12 years of catholic school, but I truly believe that the prayers of friends and family helped my aunt and 4) I begged my mother that if I am ever hospitalized to make sure someone does my hair and tweezes my eyebrows daily.

2) My herniated Disk – not just any herniated disk, no friends it is a SEVERE herniated disk in L5 resting on not 1 but 3 nerves (cause if you are going to have a herniated disk, you may as well go all out).

The disk is causing excruciating sciatic pain down my entire left side and is like nothing I have ever experienced (including 3 c-sections). At times the pain is all-consuming and I have been out of work the past couple weeks on disability with my new bff – my heating pad.

Despite this, some good has come out of this. 1) I survived an MRI w/o freaking out 2) I got myself some GOOD pain meds 3) I was able to spend an afternoon with Mrs. Jeter, the ONLY person who could make me laugh AND make getting an epidural steroid injection “fun” 4) I was referred to the MOST attractive back doctor which makes going to the doctor a lot more fun  5) I have stopped my online retail therapy addiction (for the time being at least) so I am actually saving money and 6) I am out of work in disability!!!

3) After working in the same town for 13 years I was FINALLY able to get my hands on a PBA card. That said, it’s a shame the card is for 2012 (I got it in January btw). I’m told I’ll eventually get a 2013 card but only time will tell. For now, I am curbing my cell phone use while driving (shhhhh) and coming to a complete stop at all stop signs within the city limits.

4) The twins and I survived craft projects for both Valentine’s Day AND the 100th Day of School without crying – I am not gonna lie, the oxycontone the doctor gave me for my back helped in this greatly

5) The husband “learned” to make the kids’ lunches – and they say miracles never happen

6) The twins started Turning Point and after care at school and absolutely LOVE it (knock on wood).

7) My baby L started a full-time day care program and not only adapted but is thriving despite some dramatic tantrums we are ignoring

8) The twins started basketball and while I do not foresee any basketball scholarships in their futures, they actually like it and look forward to every game.

9) I celebrated a year of blogging and managed 135 posts  – some good, some bad and some awesome (lol)

10) After a year of blogging I got my first negative comment that started off with the words “Oh quit your bitching….”

11) I FINALLY got back to Hoboken, NJ a place I have very fond memories of. Sadly, never did I think that when I finally got back there I would be trying to parellel park a minivan and limping into a doctor’s office.

12) I found out M had his first girlfriend. It was a true romance with the little girl telling M that he was indeed her boyfriend. They sat next to each other at their table and all was going well.

Then yesterday I asked M how things with the little lady were going. He looked at me and said (ever so serious) She isn’t my girlfriend anymore, she just forgot about me.

OMG what is wrong with this girl??? Does she not see how great M is????! Ugh, it took all I had not to go to that school and give that hussy a piece of my mind!

There you have it, my year in review. Exciting stuff right and it’s only mid-February. I can’t wait to see what else is in store for me.

Happy Thursday!!

Phew (well for now at least)…

A couple of weeks ago I did a post about this nagging feeling I had, my inner voice alerting me to a change on the horizon. Me, being a slight drama queen,  assumed the “feeling” would involve me – new job, weight loss lottery win, etc.  – but be nothing too severe or life altering if it even happened at all.

Fast forward to last Monday, MLK’s birthday and President Obama’s inauguration. When I woke up my main concern was getting M to the pediatrician by 8:20a (he had told me his “brain was spinning”) and entertaining 3 kids home from school.

Nothing could have prepared me for hearing that my aunt (a/k/a “my nanny”) was unresponsive with labored breathing. Immediately I went into Super Mom mode (i.e. control freak mode) as my aunt was transported to the hospital.

There I was racing down Route 130 South, to beat the ambulance to my aunt’s house, as I texted and called (I know but it was an emergency) the husband and others filling them in on the situation. I calmed my mom and other aunt (there are 3 sisters) and assured them I would take care of everything and it would be fine.

Sitting in the ER waiting room with my uncle, we were met by a chaplain (never a good sign). Chaplain X looked at our last names and let us know that he was also Italian, paisans so to speak. Super, a funny priest-type person, I thought as I watched my uncle tell him the regions of Italy his “people” were from.

Chaplain told us my aunt was sedated but alive. In that instant, my world was completely rocked. It felt almost like a scene in a movie, when a character is transported in time. The room sort of spun and I realized my life with “my nanny” was over.

Sure, having your aunt act as your nanny is not always easy. I couldn’t really yell at her or tell her what to do because she would always tell my mother on me. Nikki….what do you expect? or Nikki, that is just too bad, she is helping YOU out. or Nikki, I am NOT getting involved were typical emails from my mother.

Yes, aunt drove me 100% crazy, however, she loved my kids (all 4) as if they were her own.

Aunt was never able to have children of her own so she took on me, my brother and 3 cousins as her surrogate kids. Aunt was only 20 when I was born so we grew up together. She was always there to take me to the mall or to lunch. Buy me the “cool” clothes or let me sleep over her house.

Aunt would do anything for my kids and they loved her like a grandma. Sure they would yell and argue and I would get phone calls saying Your son is EXACTLY like you but in the end there was unconditional love.

Sitting in the ER, trying to accept that my aunt had almost died, took my breath away. I was flooded with emotions that ran the gamment from anger to sadness.

O-M-G wtf am I going to do with the kids???!! was all I could think. It was on a repeat loop in my head as I talked to friends, family, doctors and nurses. I could hear myself telling everyone It will be ok, she is getting the care she needs now but on the inside I felt like a selfish bitch for worrying about who would watch my kids, let alone how the hell I would afford daycare for 4 kids.

Suck it up, people go through far worse than this! What is wrong with you, no one told you to have 4 kids. See, all those years you didn’t know how good you had it. shuffled through my head all the way home from the hospital that night.

The husband told me it would be ok, “we” (me) would figure it all out and it would be fine. The next day I called daycare and extended day programs frantically trying to find a spot for the boys. People were telling me about openings and enrollment fees and all I could ask was Do you accept credit cards? and Can they start on Monday?

By Thursday, it was all sorted out and all the kids had a “plan”. Mommy had no idea how to execute the “plan” with work but figured it would work itself out some how. All weekend my stomach was in a knot. I told the twins how “fun” school would be and how awesome it would be to eat lunch with the big kids.

I took L to visit his “new school” and told him how much fun he would have (being there 12 hours a day). J was another story altogether but he would have to deal.

Today I woke up and the morning ritual I have followed for 6 years was out the window. Lunches needed to be made, kids dressed and busses to be met – and all by me. There was no time to fret over my bad hair day or how big my ass looked in my black pants.

When it was time to leave for bus #1, M told me he was NOT going to school and he did not like his lunch. I took a deep breath and said Well I guess you can just sit on the bus all day, and continued to go about my business. \

The twins nervously held my hand as we waited for the bus and anxiously they boarded looking for a seat. I love you!! was all I could say.

All morning I busied myself with work and internet research (i.e. People.com) to take my mind off the kids. The worry was always there but just not as prevalent.

As I sat at my desk getting ready to eat lunch, I checked my yahoo account. Emails from the Gap, Victoria’s Secret and Old Navy filled my inbox. Mixed between, however, was an email from the twins’ teacher.

Just wanted to let you know that Matthew and Joshua had a good morning with me…

Relief flooded over me. Thank god 2 down, 2 to go. Feeling lucky, I called L’s daycare to check in on him. L is great, he ate his whole lunch and is napping. He didn’t cry once.

Alleluia!!

I know it is only Monday, I have days, weeks and months ahead of me. Soon the newness of everything will wear off and the kids will not be as willing to go on the bus or get ready for school.

Thus is life though right? Fingers crossed I will be able to make it through. I guess there is always red wine at dinner right (lol)?

ps – my aunt is doing well and getting better everyday

24 Hours

It’s funny the games life  – God, the universe, etc – play with you. One minute everything is “fine.” You are living your life, ”going through the motions” so to speak. Performing your everyday,  normal, (often mundane)  routine and chores mentally counting the days, weeks, months until the next big vacation, weekend, celebration etc.

Wake up, take shower, make lunches, brew coffee, plan dinner, fight with kid(s) over breakfast, tv, DS, school and then BAM your world is turned upside down.

Sometimes, I guess, there is a warning. A premonition or feeling that things are going to change. Usually though, it comes out of the blue and gets you completely unprepared.

As an adult you are supposed to “roll with the punches” be strong and get through or survive the obstacle thrown at you, no matter how big or small.

Sure you can cry and say “why me/us/them/her/him” or my favorite ”that’s not fair” . Inevitably, however,  someone will respond with a “no one said life is fair” or “God only gives you what you can handle.”

At the time you want to punch the person that said that. Tell them to go f-off and leave you alone. What do they know, are they close personal friends with God?

Sloooooooowly you begin to see and know that they were right – damn them – and life does go on and you will survive.

Monday, in a matter of hours, my life was turned upside down. Even now, days later, it still seems surreal to me.

On Monday I kicked into survival mode. Shockingly, I am able to handle crisis well – it is very out of character for me. Little things like a bad haircut can make me cry but throw me a family crisis and I am super woman.

Immediately, I separate myself from all the drama and upset and focus on what needs to be done and the best way to do it. There I was on Monday making phone calls, texting instructions and giving information to doctors and staff in the ER and the whole time I was completely calm. Heck, I actually flagged down an ambulance and paramedic truck and got them to stop!

I comforted my aunt and mother, told them all would be fine. I reassured friends that things were being taken care of and everything would be ok. Don’t worry, I will keep you posted…feel free to call or text me anytime I heard myself say over and over.

Once in a while, a thought will cross my mind and I feel myself start to panic. OMG I have no daycare! WTF am I going to do with the kids next week!! Holy Crap, it costs how much to put the twins in after care?! (this is all about me after all).

I have been coping as best I can with my “go-to” items – chocolate and sarcasm (which is not always appreciated by people). The whole family is actually trying to cope all in their own way – although some of their ways boggle my mind at times. I guess I should cut them some slack since we are all living in a haze of hospital visiting hours and sporadic updates from nurses with poor bedside manner.

Each day I tell myself things will get better, it will all work out even if I don’t 100% believe it. However, the one thing I know I can always count on is the support of family and friends. Their messages and texts have been a god send and make me smile.

Whether it be Mrs. Jeter bringing me a latte or Mrs. Gray and her Crew cracking me up at a Charlie Browns restaurant, it’s been a blessing and I hope to pay it forward one day soon – or at least make everyone a batch of jell-o shots.

Thanks everyone xoxox

Back to life….

English: Sunset at Sunset Beach in Cape May, NJ (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It’s been awhile my friends out there in the great blogosphere. Things were kind of crazy here with Sandy stopping by and wrecking havoc and devastation on the entire state of New Jersey – as well as New York and other areas.

My family and I were without power for a week (even my work was closed for an entire week) but I will not complain knowing how much worse it could have been (I will however, say that it was a LONG week explaining “no power” to 4 kids, 2 of whom are under the age of 5).

I was lucky enough to have family nearby who had power/water/heat. Me, the husband and 4 kids were refugees at various houses and were even able to save some of the contents of our freezer and fridge thanks to my bro and SIL.

At times it was stressful and chaotic but also funny and loving. Watching the kids have a make-shift Halloween celebration with their 2 cousins was priceless – as was drinking a LOT of wine with my brother and SIL (can anyone else relate to “The Sandy 15″??).

While hanging out with my SIL one afternoon, she asked me why I wasnt using the time off to blog about my hurricane adventures. Surely you have some good stories to share she said. Nah was all I could come up.

Later on that day I thought about what she said. Truth was, she was right. I had a TON of “material” to use for blogs to last me a week or more. Funny things the kids did, annoying things the husband said and even risking my life to get bread and water at my local Target.

My family and I (more so me) use humor and sarcasm to deal with stressful situations. It’s easier to make a joke out of my MIL moving to Florida ASAP rather than think about her losing her home at the Jersey shore (believe it or not her house had NO damage).

Mocking the political figures on the tv (seriously, does everyone need a fleece with their name embroidered on it, we know you are the Governor) takes away from the pain of looking in the background of the press conference and seeing the complete devastation of the Jersey shore.

I just felt like I could not post a funny, senseless blog when there was so much suffering going on in my own backyard (literally).  I did not want to offend people and make light of anyone’s situation. After all, everyone deals with bad stuff in his or her own way. Who am I to tell them differently?

So I stayed silent.

Monday my work opened for the first time in a week. My law firm, the firm that did NOT close for 9/11 (when we had an office in the Twin Towers) was closed for an entire week. Amazing.

Monday the kids all went back to school. The majority of my town regained their power and the traffic lights on the main highway were restored. Slowly, life was getting back to “normal”.

Today is Tuesday, Election Day. I decided to vote before work, I figured it would be less crowded and I could be in and out relatively quickly. Also, I was a little nervous that people wouldn’t make the effort to get out there today after everything that happened last week.

Imagine my surprise when I pulled into the parking lot and saw that it was full! I had to actually wait on line to sign in and cast my ballot.

On the ride into work the En Vogue song “Back to Life” started playing in my head (as well as a Dave Matthews song that was on the cd player). I thought about the lyrics (the ones I could actually remember)

…back to life, back to reality…back to the here and now…

Damn, that one line is right one. 

Yes, it is time, at least for me anyway, to get back into my life. To get back into my routine (work, laundry, kids, cooking and juice pouring) even if it is often mundane. This is what we do, because life goes on.

The only good to come out of the hurricane was that Sandy taught me to appreciate the little things (power) as well as the big things (family).

My thoughts and prayers are with those families who lost so much and I hope that soon, they too will be able to get back into their own lives and rebuild what they lost.

Fairy GodMother 911

Growing up I never  thought I would be dependant on anyone, especially a man. My mom was a single, working mother (back when it was not really “in vogue”) so I assumed that it was just “normal” to work, take care of the kids and manage a household without a man.

My Prince!!

While my father contributed some support and paid for school (with the help of my stepmother – a woman), Mom was the one who made sure we had food, clothes and all the other necessary amenities (i.e. cable, Atari and summer vacations).

It was not always easy, but it was not always hard either. My brother and I “survived” and each went on to graduate from high school (catholic no less) and the University of Delaware (Go Hens!). We both have ”careers” and are married with families of our own.

It was just a given that I would work, have bills to pay and shop the sale racks. I figured I would be happy and fulfilled and always desire the expensive, black leather boots at Nordstrom.

Everything was going according to plan and then life happened. Damn it, don’t you hate when that happens?!

Now there were 4 kids to clothe, feed and pay health benefits for. A mortgage and home equity loan on a townhouse that won’t sell (don’t even get me started on the Home Owner’s Association fees) and new tires and/or brakes on a minivan and Ford Expedition.

This coupled with all the other “stuff” going on my life made me take a step back and realize Holy Crap!! I am NOT the independent woman I thought I would be!

The realization was like walking into a brick wall. WTF, when did this happen????? Better yet, why did this happen??

I feel like I am stuck in purgatory with no chance of escape  – or even an escape route in the distance.

I have tried to be somewhat proactive, I talked to some people and solicited advice. However, all of it was pretty much the same. Nicole…you need a plan.

Seriously?!

A plan? Umm, I was thinking more along the lines of a bail-out or a free pass. A plan will require me to think and come up with idea and for lack of a better word plan!

I am NOT a planner, my mom will attest to this (as will by brother, SIL, aunts and cousin). That is not to say that I am a “fly by the seat of my pants” kind of gal (can you name the movie this line is from???) either.

It’s just that planning makes me nervous and gives me stress.

It is stressful to me to 1) come up with a plan from scratch (if there were a template or a sample it would be SO much easier); 2) hope the plan is ok (again, guidelines would be helpful here); 3) execute the plan (yikes!) and 4) move forward to end result (way too scary).

You know what would be better for me? If someone could just rescue me and make it all better.

Why can’t there be a prince on a white horse who comes to my rescue??? It worked for Snow White, Cinderella and Fiona (ok, he turned out to be an ogre but you get my point).

I get it, being “rescued” is not a very, independent, feminist way of thinking but it is WAY more practical.

I know, I know, if someone rescues me they are doing all the work and not me. How can I expect to be able to care for me and my family (i.e. be a grown up) if I am not willing or able to take care of my own problems?

As my friend L eloquently said last night, You need to be your own prince…because ultimately you will end of caring the prince’s kids, mom, dog, etc”

L makes a VERY valid point but still, a rescue does have its appeal.

It’s romantic and easy and safe. There is no chance of error because the rescuer (prince, sugar daddy, etc.) will have thought of everything. He will have drafted THE perfect plan complete with all the  pros, cons and solutions for same. The end result will be amazing and surely lead to a  ”happily ever after.”

And now I am going to do what I should have done years ago, I am going to reach out to my Fairy Godmother and issue a 911 alert!

Fairy Godmother, if you are listening, PLEASE help me. PLEASE (pretty please with sugar on top)  rescue me (or send someone to do it for you) and help me find my way. I promise to behave and make you proud but I just need a little push to get me started. FG this is a 911 call for help STAT!!

** Rider: Said Rescuer shall have no “baggage” (i.e. dog, unstable mother, etc. and he must be able to cook, clean, do laundry and food shop without prompting**

Thank you and I look forward to a response – or a visitor on a horse

Not my best blog, but at least I wrote something :)

12BS_CD_Shadow_jpg (Photo credit: WiseWellWoman)

Day 8 of my New Year’s resolutions [(1) end unnecessary drama (2) write everyday] and I must admit, I have done a bang up job of blowing both of them. Isn’t it amazing how you can completely screw something up without even trying? I can only imagine how much more I could have f’d them up if I had put a little effort into it.

Since I can’t seem to stop my addiction to drama I figured I would spend a little time on the writing. I went into work early (again), with the intention of writing a blog and maybe drafting an article to send out to some magazines. I was feeling pretty good when I left the house. Humidity was low so my hair looked good, I was wearing a new necklace from Anthro (on sale!) and there was no traffic.

Then I pulled into the parking lot and it was like BAM! All my positive energy was sucked right out of me. You can do it…you can do it I told myself all the way to my desk.

I sat down, logged onto the computer and stared at all the out-dated photos I have hung up all over my cube. Hmmm, I should really take some of those down and clean up a little, I thought to myself while waiting for the computer to warm up.

Checked my work email, checked my Yahoo email, checked Facebook (mind you I had done all this on my phone 10 minutes earlier in the car) and logged onto Wordpress.

I clicked on mommy&everything (hmmm, maybe I should change that name?) - dashboard –  new post and then nothing. I swear, I could hear the crickets in my head that is how empty it was. WTF again I have NOTHING to say? How can that be? I live in a house with 4 boys all of whom have started school and taking the bus and I have nothing to write about? God I suck!

I sent some emails, read People.com, checked my phone again (do you see a pattern with my addictive personality) and then back to WordPress. Still nothing. Ugh.

I attempted to write something about autism but lost interest after the first couple sentences so I went on to Amazon to check out the Kindle Deal of the Day. Funny, I was actually at work and doing any of the real “work” on my desk had not crossed my mind.

Before long it was time to take L to his first day of pre-k at his new school. I was meeting my aunt (a/k/a “the nanny”) at 9:15 which left me plenty of time to get L to class by 9:30.

Imagine my surprise, as L and I strolled hand in hand down the hallway, to see the classroom door locked and all the kids and teachers inside (most of the kids were crying since their moms had left). Oh crap!! I got the time wrong. Instead of being 10 minutes early, we were now 20 minutes late.

We got inside and I apologized profusely to everyone for being so late. It’s fine, it’s fine they said while giving me ”that look” while they attempted to soothe the screaming kids. Luckily L found a puzzle he liked and was fine when I left.

However, all the way back to work I berated myself for being such a “super” mom. This is typical me-type behavior. I can’t just brush something off or accept I made a simple mistake. No, instead I rip myself apart and tell myself how much I suck (really healthy right?). I blame myself for EVERYTHING because I am my own worst enemy. Seriously, there is nothing I can do right for myself.

When I see myself doing this I want to kick my own ass. WTF is wrong with you?? Stop the pity party and knock it off already! I want to scream at myself.

I guess I assumed that once I turned 40, the skies would part, harps would play and I would be zapped with self-confidence and self-esteem. No longer would I blame myself for things that were not my fault or apologize to people for no reason at all. Instead I would be confident and walk with my head held high and not care what others thought of me.

How funny is that?!

I keep telling myself it’s baby steps. So maybe I didn’t turn 40 and magically turn into some super, confident wonder woman. However, maybe I am not appreciating all the little steps I have taken lately, steps in the right direction.

I started a blog which shocked the hell out of me (and my friends and family). I was able to advocate for my son with his ASD, I asked for a pay increase at work and I got an article published in a real magazine.

Wow, that’s not so bad for 18 months. No, I didn’t find the cure for cancer or start a new, fabulous career but I am trying. I have to keep reminding myself it is all about the baby steps and someday the baby steps will pay off (fingers crossed and knock on wood).

I can not guarantee that I will stop beating myself up for things or stop allowing certain people to make me doubt myself. I will, however, promise to work on it and be more conscious of it.

I am a work in progress right? If I do happen to catch myself doing this I will take the advise of Olympia Dukakis’ character from the movie “Moonstruck” and SNAP OUT OF IT!

No more drama and LOTS of concealer

Oscar (Photo credit: rocor)

If someone were to steal my iPod I am pretty sure it would be returned immediately. My taste in music is not exactly….ecletic, hip or even current – though thanks to Shazam I have recently purchased some happy Top 40 summer tunes. My Itunes music consists mainly of Top 40 and (gasp) 80′s music with a occassional tween song (One Direction anyone?) or freestyle mix thrown in.

However, once in a great while, I will hear a song that is completely outside my genre and I become slightly obsessed with it. I play it over and over (and over) again at full volume in the van. Usually the song coincides with something going on in my life and, therefore, becomes ingrained in my subconscious as forever being related to a specific feeling/action/event etc. (i.e. “Call me maybe” will ALWAYS be a happy, summer song).

Which brings me to today’s song – drumroll please……..Mary J. Blige’s “No More Drama.”

Are you surprised? When Midgie found out I had Mary J. Blige on my iPod she almost fell over, I guess Mary and Duran Duran don’t exactly sound like a hot play list. (Btw, Midgie had no idea the phrase “Frankie says relax” was from a song)

Anyway, when I first heard “Drama” I was OBSESSED. It caught my ear from the first note (which is the theme music to The Young and the Restless) and I was OBSESSED. I could feel Mary’s pain and I felt like she was talking right to me.

Uh, it feel so good
When you let go
Of all the drama in your life
Now you’re free from all the pain
Free from all the game
Free from all the stress
So find your happiness

Do you feel it too?

Today is the first day of my “vacation”. I am supposed to be stress-free and in total “vacation mode.” Ummm, NOT!

Major work drama yesterday before I left, which left me with a HUGE knot in my stomach. All night I had a nagging voice in my head telling me don’t forget you have to call J in the am to discuss…don’t forget…call J!

Couple that with the drama of the twins being assigned the same kindergarten class, J’s annual neurodevelopmental appointment this afternoon, MAJOR family drama (from both sides – MIL has broken tailbone can you say karma!!), the husband who can’t take off next week for day trips and the extremely limited funds in my checking account because payday is not until the 31st and you have my 1st day of vacation!

Unfortunately, the drama has found its way to my face in the form of zits that make me resemble a pre-teen girl.

I get it, in the grand scheme of things, these are just minor glitches, most of which will (hopefully) be resolved. I left a message for the principal of the twins’ school (nothing like making a name for yourself before school even starts), I will eventually find (fingers crossed) all the paperwork for J’s appointment AND there is even overdraft protection and plastic to solve my money woes.

The family drama, however, will probably never go away. Isn’t that just the way it is with families? There is always something going on. I used to over react and jump right in with a reaction but lately I have mellowed a bit. Now I try I take a deep breath, sip of wine and count to 10 (or a million) before responding. Sure, sometimes I freak out and scream at the husband or myself but those instances are not as frequent anymore.

This morning, as I was GENEROUSLY applying my Bobbi Brown Corrector Concealer, I will admit to having a little, tiny pity party for myself. It was the beginning of the party and I was about to step inside when the bathroom door swung open and J started yelling at me to fix the volume on his iPod touch.

It was then that Mary’s voice whispered in my ear …when you let go of all the drama in your life…no more drama.

F this. It is the first day of my vacation and I will not let drama ruin my time! I do not want to win the Oscar for Drama Queen! For the remainder of the day I will try to follow Mary’s advise. I will play her song on a non-stop loop in my head (and in the van) and tell myself this too shall pass and what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.

Ugh I was just given a drink order (red juice with ice) so my blogging time is over, for now.  Wish me luck!!