Belated birthday thoughts

As some of you know, I went to college at the University of Delaware WAY back in the early 1990s (gasp!!). I started off my college career as a very shy, homesick  girl with HUGE “jersey” hair in a “triple” (3 girls crammed into a dorm room made for 2) on the first floor of the Russell A dorm.

While I can not remember the names of all the 40+ kids that lived on that floor in the fall of 1990, I can actually remember a few.

There were my neighbors, Paul and Dan who were a little OCD with Taco Bell.  Julie and Dawn who lived down the hall, the annoying sorority girls who lived across from me and this tall, lanky kid from NY named Jeff.

Whereas I tended to hide in my room, Jeff was a fixture in the hallways talking to everyone and anyone. He was sarcastic and loved to do this joke about Jim Henson and Kermit the Frog.

Over the years I would see Jeff on campus and we would chat. He was a writer for Delaware’s newspaper The Review and by senior year he was the editor.

After college we exchanged some letters (yes, we had to write letters and mail them with a stamp) before losing touch.

Life went on, I got married, had some kids and then came Facebook.

Voila there was Jeff after all these years.

Jeff Pearlman was now a “famous” author AND writer for Sports Illustrated. He was married to a woman he completely adored and had 2 beautiful kids.

Over the years, we exchanged messages and I read Jeff’s posts and blogs on Facebook. While I couldn’t always relate to the political or sports-related ones I could always relate to his blogs on family and kids.

This past April, Jeff did a blog in honor of his 41st birthday here. He reminisced about celebrating his 21st birthday 20 years earlier at the Stone Balloon in Newark, DE.

After reading it I was instantly transported to my own 21st birthday also spent at the Stone Balloon.

May 20, 1993 was the series finale of the beloved NBC sitcom Cheers and I remember cramming in the Cristina Towers lounge with friends watching the finale and saying farewell to Sam, Norm, Cliff, Woody and Carla.

Afterwards, my roommate and walked to the Stone Balloon and took our place in line with some friends. I was holding my ID tight anxiously waiting my turn to get inside.

When we walked in, I felt disappointed or let down. The inside of the famed Balloon looked like the basement of a fraternity house not the mecca I had heard about for years on campus.

It was hot and dimly lit packed with co-eds drinking beer. The music was blasting and I happily downed any shot given to me.  Finally I was 21!!

Funny, I can’t remember what I wore yesterday but somehow I can remember a drunken night 20 years ago.

That YOUNG, drunk girl had no idea that 20 years later she would be a mom to 4 boys living in suburbia and driving a mini-van.

Young Me had no clue about “life.” That it a mixture of joy/sadness/humor and strength.

The good eventually outweighs the bad and everything happens for a reason – even if that reason isn’t always clear.

I won’t lie, there are times I wish I could go back in time and be that young, naïve 21yo again - except with the knowledge I have now.

I would tell her to loosen up, follow your dreams, never give up and most importantly be happy.

Stop comparing yourself to others, appreciate your true friends and family and all the little things in life. And know that you are not as bad as you think you are (lol).

Thank you Jeff for this little trip down memory lane and for allowing me the use of your blog.

Thanks for reading, enjoy your Tuesday.

Life goes on

Hi everyone. Sorry I went MIA again – maybe that should be my new blog name (lol). After the horrific events in Boston, it felt almost disrespectful to blog about the everyday nonsense and drama in my life.

I remember being really young and my neighbor telling me to ask my mom where she was when Kennedy was shot.

I had no idea what my little friend was talking about, who the heck was “Kennedy” and why were they shot??

I did eventually ask my mom, although I can’t remember what her answer was. I asked her how she was able to remember something that happened so long ago and she said it was a life changing event, something you always remember.

Oh, ok I thought to myself before I went back to play. “Life changing” at the age of 5 is losing your favorite toy little did I know.

In the years since I have experienced a lot of life changing events and I can remember where I was for all of them.

The space shuttle Challenger explosion,  Oklahoma City bombings, Columbine, the first World Trade Center bombing, 9/11, Newtown and now Boston.

It’s sad that we as a nation and world have experienced so many horrific events in a lifetime. Sadly, we will more than likely add more to our memories over time.

Personally, I can’t let myself dwell too much on all the media coverage. Yes, I follow current events and like to know what is going on in the world, but if I devote all my waking hours to the 24/7 coverage, quite frankly, I would never leave my house or let my kids out of my sight.

I caught myself the other day, reading several articles on the young, 8yo victim in Boston. My heart broke for his family. His mom and sister both suffered serious injuries and his family is left trying to make sense of it all while trying to get through the next hours and days.

I felt myself getting into a mood and had to force myself to put the Iphone down and do something else. I don’t remember if it was refereeing an argument with the twins or helping my 3yo put on his cape.

Whatever it was, it made me realize that my kids have no idea of the troubled world we live in. Yes, they know there are “bad” people out there that do “bad” things but that’s it.

To them, not getting a toy on a Target run, their beloved Lego creation being smashed by a sibling or their pet Bella going to live with the angels in Heaven is as bad as it gets.

I envy them. They are innocent, happy and good at heart. They need to enjoy life and experience all it has to offer.

For them and for us, life goes on even after tragedy. I keep reading on all the media and social media sites how America and Americans will persevere because we are good and good always trumps evil.

It’s true. Look at all we have gone through and we always come out stronger as a nation and community.

Today my 3yo’s daycare was holding a prom for the students. Parents were encouraged to dress their little ones in their “Sunday Best” and the kids would be treated to music, snacks and LOTS of dancing.

L looked pretty darn handsome when he left for Prom today. His smile was huge and he was so proud when I told him how cute he looked.

Life goes on.

My Little Prom King

Do over

The other day I was lying around with my new bff (my heating pad), nursing my herniated disk (and 3 pinched nerves), feeling slightly loopy on my pain meds when I got a text from Mrs. Jeter.

Jeter had been fairly quiet on this particular day, and I found it a little odd. However, I was pretty engrossed in my drama, having just endured an EMG test  (NOT FUN but doctor was sooooooo handsome) and dealing with some pain issues, that I didn’t really pay that much attention to her quietness until I read the text

Dude, you forgot today’s my bday! I am at bingo tho.

Holy F!!! I forgot Jeter’s bday. Crap, was today the 26th???? God damn it, I can’t keep track of the days anymore. OMG I SUCK!!!! immediately popped into my head.

How the hell did i manage to forget my best friend’s bday?????? How do you even respond to a text like that? Do you pretend you didn’t forget? Do you try to come up with some witty response? Or do you just suck it up and admit that you are a horrible friend?

I came up with the following response F I had the dates confused. I’m sorry – I SUCK so bad. I’m soooooooo sorry!! Let’s pretend it’s 7am….happy birthday to my soul mate!!

Luckily Mrs. Jeter forgave me and we have been able to put this behind us but I still feel terrible.

Then it hit me, wouldn’t it be great if we could all have a “DO OVER” button for situations like this? I know we are supposed to learn from life and its’ experiences yada yada yada, but seriously, a “DO OVER” button would really be useful in small, non-life changing situations.

I am not ashamed to say that I am not perfect (shocking right?) and that I have made a few mistakes lately. That being said, I think the “DO OVER” button would have come in handy for the following:

1) Forgetting Mrs. Jeter’s birthday

2) Not paying attention to the hundreds of papers and worksheets that the twins bring home from school, thereby throwing away the tooth brushing chart that was due back at school today. In my defense, was this really necessary? It’s kindergarten not dental school.

3) Thinking I was She-Ra: Princess of Power (remember He-Man from the 80s?) and using 18lb kettle bells when I was SO not ready

4) Not going to see a back specialist over Christmas when I had excruciating sciatic pain because I figured it would go away magically

5) Putting an end to my drama over the summer instead of carrying it into the new year

6) Thinking it was ok to drink like a fish and eat cake for 2 weeks before Christmas thus gaining back the 5lbs I had lost

7) Not majoring in education or nursing in college – wtf was I thinking with a Communication degree?????

8) Instead of crying about being home sick the first semester of college, I should have partied my ass off and

9) Stupidly reaching out to certain people to help in a stressful situation.

So friends out there in the great blogosphere, is there anything you would like a “DO OVER” button for?

Phew (well for now at least)…

A couple of weeks ago I did a post about this nagging feeling I had, my inner voice alerting me to a change on the horizon. Me, being a slight drama queen,  assumed the “feeling” would involve me – new job, weight loss lottery win, etc.  – but be nothing too severe or life altering if it even happened at all.

Fast forward to last Monday, MLK’s birthday and President Obama’s inauguration. When I woke up my main concern was getting M to the pediatrician by 8:20a (he had told me his “brain was spinning”) and entertaining 3 kids home from school.

Nothing could have prepared me for hearing that my aunt (a/k/a “my nanny”) was unresponsive with labored breathing. Immediately I went into Super Mom mode (i.e. control freak mode) as my aunt was transported to the hospital.

There I was racing down Route 130 South, to beat the ambulance to my aunt’s house, as I texted and called (I know but it was an emergency) the husband and others filling them in on the situation. I calmed my mom and other aunt (there are 3 sisters) and assured them I would take care of everything and it would be fine.

Sitting in the ER waiting room with my uncle, we were met by a chaplain (never a good sign). Chaplain X looked at our last names and let us know that he was also Italian, paisans so to speak. Super, a funny priest-type person, I thought as I watched my uncle tell him the regions of Italy his “people” were from.

Chaplain told us my aunt was sedated but alive. In that instant, my world was completely rocked. It felt almost like a scene in a movie, when a character is transported in time. The room sort of spun and I realized my life with “my nanny” was over.

Sure, having your aunt act as your nanny is not always easy. I couldn’t really yell at her or tell her what to do because she would always tell my mother on me. Nikki….what do you expect? or Nikki, that is just too bad, she is helping YOU out. or Nikki, I am NOT getting involved were typical emails from my mother.

Yes, aunt drove me 100% crazy, however, she loved my kids (all 4) as if they were her own.

Aunt was never able to have children of her own so she took on me, my brother and 3 cousins as her surrogate kids. Aunt was only 20 when I was born so we grew up together. She was always there to take me to the mall or to lunch. Buy me the “cool” clothes or let me sleep over her house.

Aunt would do anything for my kids and they loved her like a grandma. Sure they would yell and argue and I would get phone calls saying Your son is EXACTLY like you but in the end there was unconditional love.

Sitting in the ER, trying to accept that my aunt had almost died, took my breath away. I was flooded with emotions that ran the gamment from anger to sadness.

O-M-G wtf am I going to do with the kids???!! was all I could think. It was on a repeat loop in my head as I talked to friends, family, doctors and nurses. I could hear myself telling everyone It will be ok, she is getting the care she needs now but on the inside I felt like a selfish bitch for worrying about who would watch my kids, let alone how the hell I would afford daycare for 4 kids.

Suck it up, people go through far worse than this! What is wrong with you, no one told you to have 4 kids. See, all those years you didn’t know how good you had it. shuffled through my head all the way home from the hospital that night.

The husband told me it would be ok, “we” (me) would figure it all out and it would be fine. The next day I called daycare and extended day programs frantically trying to find a spot for the boys. People were telling me about openings and enrollment fees and all I could ask was Do you accept credit cards? and Can they start on Monday?

By Thursday, it was all sorted out and all the kids had a “plan”. Mommy had no idea how to execute the “plan” with work but figured it would work itself out some how. All weekend my stomach was in a knot. I told the twins how “fun” school would be and how awesome it would be to eat lunch with the big kids.

I took L to visit his “new school” and told him how much fun he would have (being there 12 hours a day). J was another story altogether but he would have to deal.

Today I woke up and the morning ritual I have followed for 6 years was out the window. Lunches needed to be made, kids dressed and busses to be met – and all by me. There was no time to fret over my bad hair day or how big my ass looked in my black pants.

When it was time to leave for bus #1, M told me he was NOT going to school and he did not like his lunch. I took a deep breath and said Well I guess you can just sit on the bus all day, and continued to go about my business. \

The twins nervously held my hand as we waited for the bus and anxiously they boarded looking for a seat. I love you!! was all I could say.

All morning I busied myself with work and internet research (i.e. People.com) to take my mind off the kids. The worry was always there but just not as prevalent.

As I sat at my desk getting ready to eat lunch, I checked my yahoo account. Emails from the Gap, Victoria’s Secret and Old Navy filled my inbox. Mixed between, however, was an email from the twins’ teacher.

Just wanted to let you know that Matthew and Joshua had a good morning with me…

Relief flooded over me. Thank god 2 down, 2 to go. Feeling lucky, I called L’s daycare to check in on him. L is great, he ate his whole lunch and is napping. He didn’t cry once.

Alleluia!!

I know it is only Monday, I have days, weeks and months ahead of me. Soon the newness of everything will wear off and the kids will not be as willing to go on the bus or get ready for school.

Thus is life though right? Fingers crossed I will be able to make it through. I guess there is always red wine at dinner right (lol)?

ps – my aunt is doing well and getting better everyday

24 Hours

It’s funny the games life  – God, the universe, etc – play with you. One minute everything is “fine.” You are living your life, ”going through the motions” so to speak. Performing your everyday,  normal, (often mundane)  routine and chores mentally counting the days, weeks, months until the next big vacation, weekend, celebration etc.

Wake up, take shower, make lunches, brew coffee, plan dinner, fight with kid(s) over breakfast, tv, DS, school and then BAM your world is turned upside down.

Sometimes, I guess, there is a warning. A premonition or feeling that things are going to change. Usually though, it comes out of the blue and gets you completely unprepared.

As an adult you are supposed to “roll with the punches” be strong and get through or survive the obstacle thrown at you, no matter how big or small.

Sure you can cry and say “why me/us/them/her/him” or my favorite ”that’s not fair” . Inevitably, however,  someone will respond with a “no one said life is fair” or “God only gives you what you can handle.”

At the time you want to punch the person that said that. Tell them to go f-off and leave you alone. What do they know, are they close personal friends with God?

Sloooooooowly you begin to see and know that they were right – damn them – and life does go on and you will survive.

Monday, in a matter of hours, my life was turned upside down. Even now, days later, it still seems surreal to me.

On Monday I kicked into survival mode. Shockingly, I am able to handle crisis well – it is very out of character for me. Little things like a bad haircut can make me cry but throw me a family crisis and I am super woman.

Immediately, I separate myself from all the drama and upset and focus on what needs to be done and the best way to do it. There I was on Monday making phone calls, texting instructions and giving information to doctors and staff in the ER and the whole time I was completely calm. Heck, I actually flagged down an ambulance and paramedic truck and got them to stop!

I comforted my aunt and mother, told them all would be fine. I reassured friends that things were being taken care of and everything would be ok. Don’t worry, I will keep you posted…feel free to call or text me anytime I heard myself say over and over.

Once in a while, a thought will cross my mind and I feel myself start to panic. OMG I have no daycare! WTF am I going to do with the kids next week!! Holy Crap, it costs how much to put the twins in after care?! (this is all about me after all).

I have been coping as best I can with my “go-to” items – chocolate and sarcasm (which is not always appreciated by people). The whole family is actually trying to cope all in their own way – although some of their ways boggle my mind at times. I guess I should cut them some slack since we are all living in a haze of hospital visiting hours and sporadic updates from nurses with poor bedside manner.

Each day I tell myself things will get better, it will all work out even if I don’t 100% believe it. However, the one thing I know I can always count on is the support of family and friends. Their messages and texts have been a god send and make me smile.

Whether it be Mrs. Jeter bringing me a latte or Mrs. Gray and her Crew cracking me up at a Charlie Browns restaurant, it’s been a blessing and I hope to pay it forward one day soon – or at least make everyone a batch of jell-o shots.

Thanks everyone xoxox

Just can’t shake it

So today is Tuesday and we are halfway through the month of January. The holidays seem like they were forever ago and the kids have finally settled into a somewhat “normal” routine.

The weather has been mild (knock on wood) and I don’t foresee any huge dramatic events happening anytime soon. Then again, I still have not gotten my hands on a crystal ball so what the hell do I know.

Everything seems “fine”, however, I just can’t shake this nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach.  It started over the weekend,  but I chalked it up to being “end of weekend jitters”.

Well here it is Tuesday and its still here. Hmmm, what could it be?

Nerves? Work? Kids? Life? All of the above??

You know…maybe it’s not a “nervous” feeling, maybe it’s that inner voice thing Oprah talks about - if Oprah says it, it must be right.

My gut is speaking to me and trying to get my attention, but what could it have to tell me?

Ugh, I hope it’s not something bad.  Oh crap, do i need to prepare myself for something bad? It’s only the 2 full week of 2013, doom can’t be here already.

Ummm, ok, I think I need to slow down a bit and stop being so damn negative. 

Perhaps the voice is trying to alert me to a change coming my way - a good change!

Wouldn’t that be fabulous?????!!

Ahhhhh, maybe I am on the brink of being “discovered” and in moments (days, weeks or months) my life will be changed forever.

A new career – blogger extraordinaire or dare I say being “freshly pressed”????

Maybe that one big “opportunity” I have waited to miraculously fall into my lap is really going to happen. OMG yay!!

I will be rich, famous, blissfully happy AND have lost the last 15lbs of baby weight I’ve been lugging around since 2006. Seriously….can it get any better than that??!!

The possibilities are endless but honestly, the only way that “one big thing” is coming my way is if I go get it.

I can’t just sit on my big ass and wait for it – although it would be SO much easier if my Faiy Godmother would bring it to me tied in a bow.

I guess only time will tell what my “inner voice” is trying to tell me. It’s a new year and I need to stop being lazy and figure out what I want and how best to get it. (suggestions appreciated)

In the meantime, however, if something great just “happens” I promise to share the news with all of you.

Me Being Philosophical (yikes!)

I have felt very philosophical since Hurricane Sandy stampeded on us over a week ago. It’s a change from the sarcastic, cynical and  occasionally witty Nicole that is usually around. 

Dont be scared, it’s not like I have sat around pondering world peace or the holy Trinity while wearing glasses. my hair in a bun and sipping on a glass of sherry.

I don’t know, maybe it was seeing all the devastation by Sandy or how amazing it is to see regular, everyday people helping one another in a time of need that has gotten me thinking. 

Regardless, today on the way into work my thoughts were all over the place. I was deep into a Maroon 5 song (I swear Adam was speaking directly to me) and I was thinking about the people in my life today. Some have remained a constant, family (of course) and a few very close friends. Others, however, have entered (and sometimes left) at the most random times. 

I guess I have Facebook to blame or thank for this. Now you can’t “hide” from your past or present, it is out there on every social media site. Seriously though, did you ever stop wonder why someone enters your life at a particular time?

Is it divine intervention that brings someone you have not seen or spoken to in close to 20 years back into your life? An old “best friend” that you lost contact with or an ex-boyfriend/girlfriend that you dated many moons ago?

Maybe it is just coincidence that these people happened to find you on Facebook or saw your picture in an Alumni magazine. Heck, maybe they were just stalking you and decided to send you a message. I guess we can never really know.

There have been a couple of people that I have reconnected with that I truly believe were brought into my life for a purpose. These people have shown and shared with me things that I didn’t know existed.

Personal stories of heartache and survival that made me think Hey, if X can overcome all that, I can TOTALLY get through my life drama.

Others have shown me things about myself that I either took for granted or didn’t bother to appreciate. They have shown me (or at least tried to show me – I am a bit stubborn) that I am smart, witty, independent  and, more importantly, a good person.

I am a person worthy of anything I want as long as I am willing to go after it. I am not the same shy, insecure girl I was “back in the day”  who didn’t think she deserving of x, y or z and chose to settle instead.

I don’t know if these “new” people will hang around for the long haul, pop up every now and again or simply disappear back into oblivion. If I am being honest, I really hope they stay because they make me happy. Their comments, messages and notes truly bring a smile to my face.

Thanks to all of you and Happy Thursday!

When is enough REALLY enough?

Monarch male showing its wings to attract a mate (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Sometimes once in a while Several times a day you are sure to hear me utter/whine/yell the phrase “I’m DONE.” Sometimes it comes after an obvious hard day with the kids or horrible day at the office. However, there are times that the smallest thing, maybe a botched load of laundry or a missing sippy cup,  will set me off and I can feel the words forming in my brain before 8am.

Nine times out of ten, I don’t mean what I say. It’s just me being exasperated (and a tiny bit dramatic). Sometimes, though, I really feel like I am done and just can’t do it anymore. Do what exactly? That I am not so sure of. It would depend on the day or even the time of day.

Usually it’s the stress of 4 boys (ages 6 and under) and their daily antics which make me want to run away - I swear sometimes I think people would TOTALLY understand if I ran away for a short time.  

Sometimes it’s the never-ending laundry mounds that are constantly staring at me, reminding me of their existence or let’s not forget my “fabulous” paralegal career for which I am known as being “unremarkable.”

Who am I kidding though? None of the above would really make me back my bags and run for the hills. It is all just a part of my normal, everyday (chaotic, exhausting, stressful) existence.  

I do wonder what would make me be “done”. What would be my “straw that broke the camel’s back” , or “the icing on the cake” or even “rock bottom” ????

Would it be a big, physical blowout? Getting fired from my job? Or,  maybe, it  would be something regular and everyday like a text message that would send me over the proverbial edge??

I was scared to turn 40 and stressed and over-analyzed it for years. In my mind, turning 40 meant “the end” of life as I knew it. I woud no longer be “young” but “middle-aged” and what would that mean?

However, I know this will sound a bit cliché, but turning 40 has been almost like a blessing. I can actually look at myself now and know, for a fact, that I am NOT the person I was 10, 15, 25 years ago and that is a WONDERFUL thing.

Unbeknownst to me, over the years I have shed a lot of my not-so-great qualities and grown up.

Funny, I used to always think I was this mature, “grown up” ready for anything. HA!! Being a grown up is NOT easy. There is responsibility and stress times of selflessness that I did not know existed but it’s all good.

I feel changes coming on. I am not sure what they will be but an end is coming and while is scares me to death, I also look forward to it . Yes, soon I will really be “done” and ready for the next chapter. Stay tuned!!

Till death do us part?

It’s no secret that my favorite fairy tale is Cinderella. My dream was to be Cindy, meet a prince, get married and live happily ever after. When you are 5yo, “happily ever after” seems easy, and very attainable.

Who am I kidding, when I was 5yo, I equated “happily ever after” to wearing a huge white dress, with a veil, carrying a bouquet of beautiful flowers and walking down the aisle to the tune of “Here Comes the Bride.” 

Marriage = Wedding = Happily Ever After

Hysterical right? How naïve can one person be????

I met the husband a week before I turned 25 (which I thought was “middle-aged”). It was a blind date (orchestrated by our mothers) and we went to dinner and drinks in Hoboken.

The Husband was 30 and I had no idea what the hell he would want to go to dinner with a 24yo for (again naïve). There were no sparks that first night but we continued to casually date all through the summer.

A year later we were engaged and I immediately started planning the wedding. For 2 years, I was consumed with thoughts of tablecloths, bridal registries, table centerpieces and whether or not the bridesmaids should wear open toed shoes (in my defense it was  the late 1990s).

The wedding took place in July 2000 and it was lovely. Yes, there were some snags (lead singer of the band was sick and my veil ripped) but I loved my wedding gown and I was FINALLY married. From this point forward I would always have a date, someone to watch tv with and take to the movies. I would never be bored again and life would be one big fairy tale.

That was 12 years ago and I can honestly tell you, that I was 100 percent, completely and utterly wrong on that!!

Looking back I had no right to marry anyone when I did. I was 25 and still living at home when the husband and I met. My “life experience” consisted of college and my “bills” consisted of college loans and a car payment on my 1995 Dodge Neon.

I was self-absorbed, selfish and had no clue what a marriage entailed. Much to my surprise, marriage was NOT about the wedding. The wedding was a celebration -  THE MARRIAGE was for real. It was 2 people living together, combining 2 lives, sharing responsibility as well as a bed and bathroom.

O-M-G!!

The husband and I have had our share of good times, bad times and all that comes in between. It is not always easy and not always happy. There is stress over financial obligations, the kids, work and the house. Arguments over laundry, who does more and who is right.  

There is also laughter over how nuts our families are, pride in how much our kids have grown and a sense of comfort in having been with the same person for 15 years.

A couple of years ago, the husband and I had hit a rough patch and decided to give marriage counseling a try. We were both ambivalent but felt like we had to do something, especially with there being 4 kids involved.

I researched counselors, determined NOT to find someone who would give us “homework” or make us share our feelings in a journal. The day of our fist appointment with Dr. P was tension filled, similar to how you feel before getting blood work or a root canal.

Our appointment was during lunch and Dr. P ushered us into her tiny office and told us to “make ourselves comfortable” on the couch. We sat down (about 10 feet apart) and both stared at the wall in utter disbelief that we had gotten to this point. Dr. P explained that her patient was “the marriage” and that what she was there to “help” us work on it. (you can  imagine all the sarcastic comments going through my head at this time).

I am not going to tell you that counseling has been magical and the husband and I are now living happily ever after. Hardly. It is a lot of work and compromise but we are in an ok-place for now.

This morning the husband was emptying the dishwasher and told me he had a ticket for the Big Game lottery. I forgot the actual amount but it is something like $100,000,000.00.

What would we do if we won? he asked, putting away the silverware. Split the money and go our separate ways! we both said simultaneously with a chuckle.

Hey, at least we both agreed right?

Seriously, I have no idea what the future has in store for us and our family. We may break up at some point or wind up being married another 50 years. I guess only God knows for sure.

I have grown up A LOT in the past 15 years and it’s safe to say that I am not the same person I was when we met. The same can be said of the husband too. In some ways we have grown together and matured and in others we have grown apart.

Some may think this is bad but I think it is a normal and good thing. You should be able to grow and change over time. What fun would life be if we just stayed exactly the same our whole lives??

ps – If we win the Big Game I promise to do an update

My Kingdom for…..a cleaning lady

When I was younger one of my favorite shows to watch was The Brady Bunch. It was fascinating to see these 2 families blend together so nicely and live happily ever after.

The Brady Girls were skinny,  pretty and popular (well not so much Jan) and the Brady Men were cute, athletic and popular  – except Peter when he went through puberty and had the voice changing episode – but I digress.

Mrs. Brady was the poster-girl for “THE Perfect Wife” and always managed to have a smile on her face and dinner on the table for Mr. Brady when he got home from a rough day at the office. Carol was always dressed in the most stylish outfits, even for bed,  and never had a hair out-of-place – even when she was sporting that horrible mullet.

 Mr. Brady was tall and handsome, had a good job and loved his family. He rarely raised his voice and was always able to solve any dilemma in under 30 minutes.

However, one of the most underrated characters on that show had to be Alice the Maid Extraordinaire! Alice wore a uniform and seemed to always be helping Mrs. Brady cooking, shopping or packing the kids’ lunches. Alice did laundry and vacuumed and never wanted for a day off – occasionally an evening for a date with Sam the Butcher but that was it.

Everyone wanted their family to be like The Brady Bunch and more importantly everyone wanted their very own Alice.

Back then I didn’t understand what Alice did, I thought she was just a member of the family who happened to wear a uniform. After all, she went to all the kids’ activities and even got a trip to the Grand Canyon and Hawaii.

As I got older, and was assigned chores, I came to understand Alice’s role more and how important someone like she was to a household. I am sure Marcia and Cindy NEVER had to scrub a toilet or clean out the dryer lint tray. Carol never had to take out the trash or change sheets on all those beds and I think it is a safe assumption that the Brady Boys didn’t scrub the bathroom tiles.

When I first got married and the husband and I lived in our tiny apartment, cleaning was not a big deal. Our apartment was 3 rooms and we weren’t home during the day so it was never that messy. Also, I was in the “newlywed phase” and cleaning and cooking were all part of playing house.

I got to use my new state-of-the-art-vacuum and all the other goodies I had stressed over and carefully registered for at Fortunoffs and Linens and Things.

After a couple of years the husband and I made the “big” move to our tiny townhouse. Now there were more rooms to clean and 2 dogs to clean up after. We had our own washer and dryer so laundry was now an everyday occurence and not something that was saved up to take up north on a visit to Mom’s house.

Then the kids came and overnight my house began resembling a frat house. There were mounds of laundry and toys all over. The bathrooms were always covered in toothpaste and rather than wash the windows I chose to close the blinds. The husband and I accepted that we were just dirty people.

What choice did we have? There are only so many hours in a day and no matter how many hours I spent cleaning, the kids destroyed my hard work in minutes.

I complained, sucked it up (a little) and moved on.  

Then ALL my friends, and even my brother, got a cleaning lady. This fascinated me since the only maid I knew of was Alice and my friends did not seem to be as well off as the Brady family.

Apparently it was the new “in-thing” to have a woman come to your house 1-2 times a month to do a “good clean” and more importantly scrub your bathrooms until the fixtures shined. (the fact that you clean BEFORE she arrives is irrelevant)

I was completely and utterly envious of my friends and family. I wanna a cleaning lady!!! I would whine to the husband and my mother – neither of whom seemed to care.

I tried my hardest to find a way to get a cleaning lady but it was just not meant to be. I keep telling myself someday my Fairy Godmother will answer my wish, wave that wand and BAM! get me my very own Alice  – heck at this point I would  take Sam the Butcher.

I am SO tired of cleaning toilets and doing laundry and washing sippy cups. Any down time I have is spent picking up matchbox cars and cramming Lego pieces into plastic containers.

When I was little, never did I think my Saturday mornings would be spent lugging a vacuum up the stairs or getting on my hands and knees to actually vacuüm each  step.

I never dreamed my children would constantly miss the potty or leave the bathtub filthy after their baths. It is unbelieveable the amount of crumbs and juice cups 4 kids can accumulate in a 12-hour period!

Fair Godmother, if you are listening,  PLEASE PLEASE PRETTY PLEASE help me. PLEASE wave that wand or sprinkle me with fairy dust or put some magic spell on me,  ANYTHING to get me a cleaning lady. I am not picky, I dont even care she’s good, so long as the toilets are clean!

Until then I guess my only consolation if that the boys are getting older and they have started to help me more around the house. They think it’s “fun” to help me load the dishwasher or take out the trash. They have NO idea what I have planned