Day 8 of my New Year’s resolutions [(1) end unnecessary drama (2) write everyday] and I must admit, I have done a bang up job of blowing both of them. Isn’t it amazing how you can completely screw something up without even trying? I can only imagine how much more I could have f’d them up if I had put a little effort into it.
Since I can’t seem to stop my addiction to drama I figured I would spend a little time on the writing. I went into work early (again), with the intention of writing a blog and maybe drafting an article to send out to some magazines. I was feeling pretty good when I left the house. Humidity was low so my hair looked good, I was wearing a new necklace from Anthro (on sale!) and there was no traffic.
Then I pulled into the parking lot and it was like BAM! All my positive energy was sucked right out of me. You can do it…you can do it I told myself all the way to my desk.
I sat down, logged onto the computer and stared at all the out-dated photos I have hung up all over my cube. Hmmm, I should really take some of those down and clean up a little, I thought to myself while waiting for the computer to warm up.
Checked my work email, checked my Yahoo email, checked Facebook (mind you I had done all this on my phone 10 minutes earlier in the car) and logged onto Wordpress.
I clicked on mommy&everything (hmmm, maybe I should change that name?) - dashboard – new post and then nothing. I swear, I could hear the crickets in my head that is how empty it was. WTF again I have NOTHING to say? How can that be? I live in a house with 4 boys all of whom have started school and taking the bus and I have nothing to write about? God I suck!
I sent some emails, read People.com, checked my phone again (do you see a pattern with my addictive personality) and then back to WordPress. Still nothing. Ugh.
I attempted to write something about autism but lost interest after the first couple sentences so I went on to Amazon to check out the Kindle Deal of the Day. Funny, I was actually at work and doing any of the real “work” on my desk had not crossed my mind.
Before long it was time to take L to his first day of pre-k at his new school. I was meeting my aunt (a/k/a “the nanny”) at 9:15 which left me plenty of time to get L to class by 9:30.
Imagine my surprise, as L and I strolled hand in hand down the hallway, to see the classroom door locked and all the kids and teachers inside (most of the kids were crying since their moms had left). Oh crap!! I got the time wrong. Instead of being 10 minutes early, we were now 20 minutes late.
We got inside and I apologized profusely to everyone for being so late. It’s fine, it’s fine they said while giving me ”that look” while they attempted to soothe the screaming kids. Luckily L found a puzzle he liked and was fine when I left.
However, all the way back to work I berated myself for being such a “super” mom. This is typical me-type behavior. I can’t just brush something off or accept I made a simple mistake. No, instead I rip myself apart and tell myself how much I suck (really healthy right?). I blame myself for EVERYTHING because I am my own worst enemy. Seriously, there is nothing I can do right for myself.
When I see myself doing this I want to kick my own ass. WTF is wrong with you?? Stop the pity party and knock it off already! I want to scream at myself.
I guess I assumed that once I turned 40, the skies would part, harps would play and I would be zapped with self-confidence and self-esteem. No longer would I blame myself for things that were not my fault or apologize to people for no reason at all. Instead I would be confident and walk with my head held high and not care what others thought of me.
How funny is that?!
I keep telling myself it’s baby steps. So maybe I didn’t turn 40 and magically turn into some super, confident wonder woman. However, maybe I am not appreciating all the little steps I have taken lately, steps in the right direction.
I started a blog which shocked the hell out of me (and my friends and family). I was able to advocate for my son with his ASD, I asked for a pay increase at work and I got an article published in a real magazine.
Wow, that’s not so bad for 18 months. No, I didn’t find the cure for cancer or start a new, fabulous career but I am trying. I have to keep reminding myself it is all about the baby steps and someday the baby steps will pay off (fingers crossed and knock on wood).
I can not guarantee that I will stop beating myself up for things or stop allowing certain people to make me doubt myself. I will, however, promise to work on it and be more conscious of it.
I am a work in progress right? If I do happen to catch myself doing this I will take the advise of Olympia Dukakis’ character from the movie “Moonstruck” and SNAP OUT OF IT!