trying to find myself and humor in life

My Totally Insane Insecurities

So today one of my co-workers is back in the office after a 6-month maternity leave. We have texted a lot during her leave, she thinks I am some sort of expert on kids since I have 4 (lol), and today is not a happy day for her.

It was hard for me to think back to my first maternity leave (way back in 2006). I had a fuzzy recollection of crying and not wanting to leave my babies for a second. Fast forward 6 years and 2 more kids and now I can’t wait to leave the house sometimes and cry when it is time to go home.

I knew N was upset so I told her that this week will basically suck but once she gets a routine going, it will be fine. It’s so hard to come back into a professional environment after being alone with a baby for 6 months.

Anyway, I am thrilled that N is back because we share a love of lip gloss, shopping and shoes (her shoe collection is literally to die for). She is a petite, tiny thing that always looks AMAZING in her clothes – which are always incredibly cute and stylish.

Often when I stand next to her I feel like Shrek but I have sort of gotten used to it. On days when I knew I would see N in the office, I would take a little extra time in the morning to get ready. I would try to mix up my accessories and wear something that wasn’t too frumpy or mom-looking. After all, I didn’t want to seem like a total loser simply because I was almost 40 and the mom of 4 boys.

While N has been out, I have tried to keep up my work appearance (which is WAY different that my at-home look). There have been many mornings when I have forced myself to wear heels instead of flats or changed out of a boring black cardigan for something a little more fancy.

Honestly, some days my laziness (or hate of ironing) won out and I found myself in khaki carpi pants with a baggy sweater or even (gasp) sans mascara.

Today, however, N is back so I knew I had to put some effort into my appearance. I didn’t want to look frumpy when she would look fabulous while being the mom of an infant.

I agonized over what to wear and had many outfits lined up in my closet. Finally, I gave in and decided to wear a skirt. I very rarely wear skirts and dresses. They require me to shave my legs and put on Spanx and frankly, sometimes, that is just too much work for me.

As I stood in front of the mirror in my skirt (which shows my knees) and cute wedge sandals, I carefully found fault with several things (my un-tan legs, my muffin top, etc) before I gathered up L and headed out the door.

I am sure there are many out there (men and women) who will think I am totally insane. If N is my friend, why the hell would she care, what I was wearing? I don’t know, maybe it’s a girl thing or maybe it’s just a me thing.

I am sitting at my desk working myself up to go over and visit N. I know as soon as I see her (looking all thin and cute) that I will immediately feel like Shrek (or Fiona) but I guess I can’t hide all day.

I was hoping a lot of my insecurities will magically go away when I turned 40. As if blowing out the candles on my cake would make all of them disappear forever. Honestly, some have left but I guess there are still some I need to work on.

For now my friends in blogosphere wish me luck. I am going to walk over to N’s desk in my skirt, hold my head up high and pretend that I feel great. Who knows, maybe with a little work, I will even be able to convince myself it’s true.


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