trying to find myself and humor in life

Uh Oh

Classic Margarita on the Rocks with Salt at LA...

Classic Margarita on the Rocks with Salt at LA Food Show (Photo credit: Muy Yum)

Last Friday was the unofficial end to summer, as well as my 7th day of “vacation” with my 4  children and I was in the mood to  consume alcohol celebrate.

I texted Mrs. Jeter and we came up with a plan – Chilis, 8pm for margaritas and chips (only if gluten-free for Mrs. J).

Friday was a very looooong day for me. The twins were fighting, J was in über ASD mode and L was having an attack of the “terrible twos” times 1000 so my countdown to margaritas began around 10am.

Friday-night outings are a rarity so I made sure to take full advantage. I wore my new “going-out” jeans, re-applied the make-up that had worn off hours before and sprayed on some perfume before running heading  out the front door.

The music in the van was jammin’ all the way down Route 130 south as I made my way to Chilis (jealous?) and all I could think was WHOOOO HOOOO, I AM FREE!!

Mrs. Jeter and I were feeling extra daring and sat at the bar. Looking around, I sadly noticed that we were the not only the youngest patrons, but also the best looking. Wow, we really got to get out more!

Time flew as we (mostly me) devoured the unlimited chips and salsa and drank iced cold margaritas, on the rock with salt. We were laughing and telling stories and no one was interrupting us – except for THE annoying bar tender chick who seemed constipated when she had to ask us a question.

Before long we heard the sounds of a vacuüm and realized that it was indeed “closing time” (insert music of Semisonic song in background), look at us, a couple of “old ladies” closing down the Chilis!!

I don’t even remember what time it was when we got outside and started talking by my van. A little while later I glanced at my phone and saw 12:30am and figured it was time to go. Me and Mrs. J hugged good-bye and promised to text each other in the am.

I was in a good mood driving home and blasted the 80s music as I dug around in my purse for some gum. The road was empty except for some ass in an SUV who had practically attached himself to my bumper.

I was in too good a mood so I let him pass me and continued singing – and searching for my phone charger (I can multi-task even while driving). All of the sudden I saw orange cones up ahead and a bunch of flashing lights. Oh is must be construction, I thought as I raised the volume on the next song.

Suddenly the right lane ended and all the cars ahead of me came to a stop. There were police cars everywhere and a yellow sign – uh oh, this was not construction, I was in the middle of a DUI check-point.

OMG, OMG oh crap!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I began to panic. This was it, all those years of thinking I was “fine” to drive were now coming back to haunt me. OMG what was I gonna do?? OMG pleaaaaase don’t pick me, I am in a mini-van for Christ’s sake. Can you pull over a mini-van for DUI? Crap, do I look guilty for chewing gum? were just a couple things that ran through my mind. 

I couldn’t even text Mrs. Jeter for moral support because holding a cell phone was a definite no-no. The 2 cars ahead got asked to pull over (including the ass that had cut in front of me) by a big police officer holding a flashlight. Help me!

Finally it was my turn. I opened the window and tried to look “normal” before I was greeted with Good Evening ma’am, we are conducting a DUI check have you consumed any alcohol tonight?

What do I do? Do I say no? What if I say no and they pull me over and find out I was lying? Do I tell the cop I had 1 drink? Will he really believe I only had 1 drink? WTF????!!

I took a deep breathe and said that I had 1 margarita at Chilis (I figured no one would make that up).  One drink at Chilis huh? the cop said skeptically as he peered into my windows (what the hell would I be hiding in a mini van??).

You wouldn’t be talking on your cell phone would you? was his next question. Um, no, I am actually charging it I said as I held up the phone still attached to cable (whew, thank GOD the phone wasn’t on my lap like it always is). Oh, so you are charging it? he asked again looking in my damn windows (really?).

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity the cop handing me a MAD pamphlet and told me to have a good night. You too, have a nice weekend! I said in a high-pitched, squeaky voice.

OMG OMG OMG I survived, I didn’t get pulled over THANK YOU GOD!!!!

I drove home with the radio turned down really low and did not go over 35mph. When I got home a feeling of relief washed over me. I can NOT wait to tell Mrs. Jeter was all I could think as I crept into the house and got ready for bed. We “old ladies” sure do know how to have a good time!

**this post in no way condones drinking and driving**


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One thought on “Uh Oh

  1. Mrs. Jeter on said:

    It’s funny you thought about that with the minivan too. As much as I hate mine, it does give off an air of innocence. Unless the cops just don’t want to deal with crazy soccer moms and kids in carseats. I never see minivans pulled over on the side of the road. It’s the SUV moms that get pulled over haha.

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