Better luck next time?
I came into the office early so I could blog (shhhh don’t tell anyone) and here is it almost 8:30 and I have nada done. I don’t know what happens to the time from the moment I sit at my desk, I get distracted by the dumbest things.
Anyway, on my ride in to work I was thinking of different things to blog about. There is the usual I hate my job/Monday blog or maybe my drunk texting episode on Saturday (sorry to everyone who was a victim). Mary J. Blige was playing on a repeat loop (and at high volume) and then it hit me – I have already abandoned my New Year’s resolutions.
Last week I was preaching about how I was going to stop all the unnecessary drama in my life and write everyday and here we are at day 7 and I have slacked. I have not written anything (unless you count a grocery list) and I am DEEP in some drama (of my own doing). WTF??!!
What is wrong with me? Sure, I can say that I haven’t written because it’s hard to get on the computer with the kids or that I was busy but how true are those? Yes, I was busy but I could have spared 10 minutes to write – rather than say play Bejeweled on my IPhone or dwell on my drama. Now I am disappointed in myself.
I think my problem with the writing is that I am just scared. I feel like I have to always be witty or come up with some story that people will like. There are some days the blogs just “come to me” and I in ten minutes I have something done and published.
On those days it is like the words just take over and I don’t really have to think (if that makes any sense). On other days, I just sit and stare at a blank WordPress screen and think I am a joke, who was I kidding to think I could
write. Writers are smart and have stories to tell, they are not working moms in the middle of a mid-life crisis.
Recently, I “met” the writer Jane Suter (technically we emailed) who offered me this wonderful advise Write everyday. Hone your skills. Oh, and write for yourself. What I mean by this is, find your own, unique, voice and let it sing. Don’t try to please everybody — you are a gift!
This sounds easy but it is SO not. How can I possible write for myself of all people? I am the most critical human being on the planet. I find fault with EVERYTHING I do and/or say on a daily basis and I am supposed to write for me?
I understand the concept and can appreciate it, but still, I don’t know if I am up for the challenge. I keep telling myself suck it up, you can do it and then I get scared and make an excuse. I watch tv, play on the phone or go to bed early rather than face my fears head on. I am not proud of this behavior, this is not the example I want to set for my kids but how can you take 40 years of one behavior and turn it all around?
As for the drama, I am addicted. I never understood addiction, how someone could be so dependent on a thing? Then i experienced some drama and it was amazing. It felt good, it was a high and I liked it.
Finally, something just for me and boy was it great! The trouble is, after you come down off the high you feel like crap and beat yourself up. Maybe you play Mary J. Blige on a repeat loop or eat chocolate but those are just band-aids that cover the problems, they don’t solve them.
So where does this leave me now? Should I just forget the resolutions, ignore them and move on? That would definitely be the easy way out. But if I really do that, make up a bunch of excuses, convince myself it’s the right thing to do then what?
No, I am not going to give up, not this soon. I am gonna take a deep breath and start over. It is baby steps after all. I can’t guarantee that I will squash the drama or write a fabulous blog or essay today but I will at least try. I am doing this for me, to make myself proud and for no one else. In the end, I am who matters right?
Ready..set..go (fingers crossed).