trying to find myself and humor in life

The Sucky Assistant Soccer Mom

A couple of weeks ago I told everyone how I had added the title of assistant Soccer Mom to my résumé. It was a big step since a) I know nothing about soccer and b) have always associated a “soccer mom” as someone who wears “mom jeans” and has one of those annoying soccer ball magnets on their car.

However, the moms of the Blue Flames were different. They were funny and the majority seemed like people I would hang out with off the soccer field. Together we made fun of the ref’s shorts and started to plan a Soccer Mom Pub Crawl.

The Senior Soccer Mom is a friend and had kindly assigned me the task of tracking the “Snack Families” and helping her keep score. I was up for the challenge and carefully revised the Excel Team Schedule to include a Snack Family column and passed the schedule at a practice. Heck, I even started paying attention at the games and taking notes of plays. All was good until this past weekend.

Saturday was picture day AND my family’s assigned snack day so I had a lot to remember. I was doing well, the twins’ soccer shirts were clean, the soccer socks were washed and I headed out to Wal-Mart early to get the snacks, actually remembering that there were 15 boys on the team.

Pictures were at 2pm and I had even taken as “test drive” to the VFW to make sure we didn’t get lost. The husband was off for a change and would be around to help me with the kids. This Soccer Mom stuff is a piece of cake  I thought to myself.

I had gotten the kids bagels from Dunkin Donuts and around 1pm let the twins know that they would need to get ready soon. That’s when it started. Instead of hearing Ok Mommy, I can’t wait to get ready and go! I got

WHAAAAT??!! Soccer again? I am TOO TIRED to play soccer. I don’t wanna have my picture taken! I HATE pictures!! You’re not fair MOM, I am NOT GOING TO SOCCER!! followed by the stomping of 4 angry feet.

Yay me! I thought to myself as I wrangled the two little kids into their clothes and packed up all the stuff we would need for the next 3 hours (the husband was playing with his phone if you were wondering).

When we arrived at the VFW post J was ok but M was still not happy. He refused to get out of the car telling me the place looked too scary (in his defense it was THE scariest VFW I had ever seen but regardless, pictures were soon) and he wasn’t taking any pictures.

I got out of the car with J and casually threatened M with no bike unless he got out of the car. He stomped out of the van, arms crossed, and pouted until we got inside.

Inside the VFW was a sea of PAL soccer shirts in every color mixed in with parents and coaches trying to find their teams. I dragged my 2 over to the bar (unfortunately it was not in service) to fill out the picture forms and threaten discuss the significance of team photos with M, when it hit me. CRAP! I never fixed the twins’ hair before we left the house!

At that moment I noticed all the moms with combs in hand, fixing all their kids’ hair. The other Blue Flames looked neat and clean and mine looked like they had just rolled out of bed CRAP!!! I tried to tell myself they looked “fine” when I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was another mom letting me know that I had to actually tuck in the boys’ soccer shirts – strike 2 for me.

With pictures over, next stop was the soccer field. The little kids had fallen asleep in the van so the husband selflessly volunteered to wait in the van with them so I could take the twins to their game.

Super!! The PAL lot looked like the mall on Black Friday so I had to now maneuver the twins – while holding a soccer ball, chair, snacks and 2 water bottles – through the parking lot trying to avoid all the cars speeding around the lot.

We find the team and wait for the game to start. Coach P comes up to me and asks if I am ready to be Soccer Mom for the day since his wife (the Official Soccer Mom) is not there today. Piece of cake, I say with a smile as I try to get my chair out of its bag.

Ummmm, are the drinks in here Soccer Mom? Coach asked while pointing to my butterfly pack back. LOL, no! I toyed with adult beverages but decided  to leave them home. I replied with a smile.

Coach and another dad looked at me like I was insane Ummm, I think the kids would get in trouble for that they said and walked away.  Holy Crap! Not only was Coach serious about the drinks, he now thinks I am an alcoholic who wants to poison the team!!

The rest of the game I was side tracked. When I did pay attention, I would notice the twins doing something weird like sitting on the ground or jumping up and down and it would make me too nervous.

It was a good game, despite us losing 3-1. The twins ran over after, with their snacks, and asked me if I saw them kick the ball. We started our trek back to the van when Coach came up behind me. Here are the leftover snacks, he said. We had a couple  requests for drinks but not too many. Oh, there are some people who want to know when they are on snack duty too.

I’ll do better next time Coach, I said with just a hint of sarcasm. Suddenly there were parents crowding me, asking me about the snack schedule. OMG, Coach was serious! Seriously, did these people think I memorized the damn thing?

I took their emails and let everyone know I would send them a copy Monday (ooops that never happened) and picked up the pace so we could get the hell out of there.

Afterwards, I told the husband how I sucked at my Soccer Mom duties. He laughed and played around with the radio before yelling at the kids to stop hitting each other. The husband didn’t care, he didn’t understand how important it was for me to not suck at being a soccer mom. And, more importantly, what the other moms think of me????

No sense beating myself up too badly, today is a new day and it’s a new week. I will try to do better and make the other soccer moms proud. Now, if I could only remember where I put that snack family list…..


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2 thoughts on “The Sucky Assistant Soccer Mom

  1. You need to put that snack list into a Google doc, then you’ll be a really super soccer mom! 🙂

  2. Mrs. Jeter on said:

    It sounds like you did great! I am fairly certain I would have forgotten about picture day, and snacks for that matter. You will get the hang of it by the time the boys go to the World Cup haha.

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