trying to find myself and humor in life



Growing up I was always the “shy one”. It didn’t matter if I was among family, strangers or peers, I was the quiet one, observing, taking it all in and praying I would not draw any attention on myself. (Yes Mrs. Grey this is 100% true!)

If someone or something did manage to drag me into a conversation or group, my face immediately turned 10 shades of red and my voice (which is already pretty high) went up 5 octaves. If all that wasn’t bad enough, I also picked up the habit of twisting my hands in to a pretzel when speaking to anyone “outside my comfort zone.

Despite all this, I was able to make friends along the way (lol). No one would mistake me for Miss Popularity but it is quality over quantity after all.

In high school, college and even in the “real world” I have been lucky, blessed actually, to make some very special dear friends.

To be honest, it was easier to make friends when I was younger. Maybe it was because I wasn’t really sure of who I was, confidence is not a strong suit of mine, but back then I was just happy someone wanted to go to the mall with me and thought I was funny (come to think of it, those are still 2 things I look for in a friend – lol).

After getting married and settling into “adult life” it was harder to meet new people. Where does a 30-something go to meet “friends” after working all day?

Slowly, with the arrival all my brood of boys, I started meeting new friends, moms mostly. Some of these women I clicked with immediately (CC, Fergie, Mrs. Mayor) and others … not so much.

At first, I always worried if the new mom friend would like me. We would go for drinks or to a book club and the whole time I was thinking OMG does she think I am a nerd? I wonder if she can’t wait to escape from me? Why the hell did I just say that, now X will think I am an idiot!

Mostly my paranoia has been for naught. I have learned (well I am still learning, it is a work in progress) that if I just relax and be myself people, other women, will like me. Shockingly, I am really not that bad. I’m funny (more sarcastic), fun (yes, me can you believe it??)  and not a total embarrassment to be seen with in public (as I was told at my office Xmas party “Nicole, you clean up good!”).

I am not always a good friend. There are times I am selfish, self-absorbed and even jealous (gasp!) but I hope my friends now how much they mean to me and that I value them in my life.

This Sunday I am in for a real treat. I am going to “the City” to meet 3 of my closest friends for brunch. I have known some of these girls since I was 11  – when I was the “new kid” in a very small catholic school, and socially awkward and fat.

We used to be inseparable my girls and me. Never was one of us without the other(s) either in person or on the phone. Even when we all went off to separate colleges we still manages to stay close. It’s been harder over the years. Life happened, people change and grow and life moves on.

Luckily, through the grace of Facebook, I have been able to still remain a part of these women’s lives. I may not see them but I know some of what is going on with them and they with me.

The one special bond I share with these ladies is that I know, no matter what, if one of us were in trouble the others would be there. I don’t have a doubt in my mind that if I called one of them, even after not seeing them in over 4 years, they would be there for me.

Despite all this, I am still a little nervous about brunch on Sunday. I know I haven’t been the best friend, especially since I had kids, but I hope they know that I love them, will always consider them a friend and that they will always have a special place in my life.

What will it be like when we are all together Sunday?????

Will there be a polite silence or the obligatory “How are you?” when we first see each other?

Or, will it just be like old times, with a hug hello (a handshake for me and R) before we start laughing and picking up where we left off?

I don’t know but I am SO looking forward to it – and I hope they are too.


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