trying to find myself and humor in life

I think I can…I think I can..I think I can??

See the wonders of Instagram???!!

See the wonders of Instagram???!!

I am “blessed” with many things. Four healthy (crazy) boys, a roof over my head, a loving (dysfunctional) family, some great friends (old and new) and naturally curly hair (I don’t believe this but this is what I am told).

I wouldn’t go as far as to brag and say “I have it all!” but I know I am very lucky – even if I do not always act like I am.

Despite all my blessings, however, there is one MAJOR thing that I do not have. I am not sure if this “thing” is something you are born with, acquire through life and its experiences or  maybe you can just fake it.

Can you guess what it is?? I am sure that ANYONE who knows me will have no trouble figuring this one out. Do you give up? Ok, ready it’s …….confidence.

Yes my friends out there the great blogosphere, I Nicole lack any and all self-confidence.

Phew I said it! Now it is out in the open for all to see. It feels a little freeing to admit it, to be the one to actually say it and not hear someone say “What is your problem?”

I can’t pinpoint exactly when my lack of confidence started to show its ugly head. If I had to guess,  it probably goes waaaaay back to my early childhood.

Being a shy, quiet, slightly chubby child does not make for a pillar of confidence. Throw in a mom with no confidence (sorry Mom) and a loser, absentee father and you have yourself quite a prize.

It would be VERY easy for me to just blame this on my father, after all isn’t there some connection with girls’ self-esteem and a father-figure presence in their lives??  Ugh, sadly, I can not let him take ALL the blame.

At some point, I became responsible for myself and my actions/feelings. Daddy Dearest may have created the mold but it is up to me to break it into a million, tiny pieces.

If you have never had a confidence issue, this may seem strange and almost foreign to you. What is the big deal, how can you not think you are worthy/pretty/smart/sexy/funny??

Trust me, when you are lacking confidence, just hearing someone say you are those things, let alone believing them, is an incredulous undertaking.

I am not trying to sound like Debbie Downer. I do not walk around with my head down telling people I am a fat, loser.

In fact, the older I get, the easier it has been to walk with my head up and pretend that I find my self worthy – I won’t lie, a good hair day and slimming black pants help.

When you have spent the majority of your life being the “wingman” and “third wheel” it is VERY difficult to believe people can find you attractive/smart/funny. Accepting a compliment can often feel as daunting as climbing Mt. Everest.

If someone pays me a compliment, my first reaction is to put myself down in a “clever” sarcastic way. Perfect example, I changed my Facebook profile picture this week. Nothing fancy, just a picture I snapped at my desk while feeling sassy one day.

A friend emailed me and told me the picture was nice and even went on to say that I always take a nice picture. Here was my response LOL, thanks but I Instagram’d to hide all my flaws. 

Wtf right?

A co-worker accused me of being a “compliment whore” but that is  SO far from the truth. When someone pays me a compliment, no matter how big or small, I ALWAYS think they are just being nice. There is no way in hell, they (family, friends, acquaintances or strangers) can actually believe that I am X,Y and Z!

I don’t mean to sound so pathetic, I am not happy with this part of myself but I am working on improving it. It is a constant struggle and like they say “Rome was not built in a day”.

I keep talking about a change coming, my Act 2 so to speak. If I expect that to happen, I need to “suck it up” and “fix” these things about myself. It’s time to make myself believe, once and for all, that I am worthy, smart and funny and I do deserve everything that is out there for the taking.

This sounds A-MAZING in print and as I read back what I have written I can feel myself saying You Go Girl!

Now here’s the hard part, I actually have to do this. But how?

I am not really sure and honestly,  I’m scared. This is a BIG undertaking and quite frankly, I don’t know if I have what it takes. You know what though, this is not all about me (surprising right?). No, I have 4 kids to think about.

How can I expect them to grow up and be confident, smart, responsible young men if I am not giving them an example to follow??

I can’t promise there will be overnight results, but I will promise to try my best and hopefully someday (sooner than later) I will start to reap the benefits.

Wish me luck friends and thanks for listening!


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2 thoughts on “I think I can…I think I can..I think I can??

  1. You are doing great. Stay positive about yourself!!

  2. Like Jess said… stay positive and strong! There are many things that happen to us in life that can make us lose confidence or feel bad about ourselves. You have surpassed most people by accepting that you are responsible for your own life. It is very easy to play the blame game and I applaud you for not waking down that path. I have seen the quote, “We become what we believe” numerous times this past week and now I share it with you. Believe in yourself and the possibilites are endless. We are the authors of our own life story – Lily

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