trying to find myself and humor in life

Take a Deep Breathe… and LET IT GO

For those of you who don’t know me, it may surprise you that I can be a bit of a drama queen. As I have mentioned before, my drama is usually self-imposed and very insignificant in the grand scheme of things.

Dramas can range from a too short haircut to my MIL and involve a lot of dwelling and rehashing. The husband and my mom HATE when I do this and my mom’s famous response, after sighing, is always …just let it go.

Which brings me to my latest “let it go” drama extraordinaire.

Let me preface by saying that I am all about defending yourself or your family. Sticking up for a friend or loved one is very commendable and a sign of maturity.

Sure, at times you may have to hurt someone or place blame on another person to protect “your people” but it’s not done in a hurtful way (at least I hope not).

In the workplace, however, this type of behavior is more covert and done solely for protecting oneself. We have all done it or been a party to it right? I have been thrown under the proverbial bus at my current law firm more times than I care to count. It never really matters who did the “throwing”  –  friend, foe, co-worker, partner etc. – it hurts all the same.

When it happens I go nuts, yell, cry and email the world sharing my side. Most are sympathetic and say he/she is an asshole or don’t worry, what goes around comes around.

My friend L, however, will listen to me go on and on and on, take in all the facts (she is a lawyer after all) and then simply say  …just let it go. What are you gaining by letting this person get to you? Take the information and use it to your advantage…life is too short.

Each time she says this I want to punch my fist through a wall. I come back with But L….that isn’t fair…to which she says Oh Nicole, life isn’t fair…you are better than this.

I know L is right which makes it even harder to hear. I would like to think that over the years, I have grown and matured (somewhat) and have learned to let some things go. Yes, I vent to Mrs. Jeter by text but usually I can sort of put it behind me.

Except this past week. Blame it on PMS or the stress my family and I have been under the past 12 days my aunt has been in the ICU.  It was touch and go there in the first couple days and to say we were stressed would be an immense understatement.

Tensions and tempers ran high. Everyone wanted tobe the “strong one” but on the inside we were all suffering.

Each of us reacts to stress in his or her own way, you do what you can to survive.

When I am in “survival mode” I become a control freak. I need to know everything that is going on and feel the need to take on everyone elses problems and concerns.

If someone is upset I will tell them it will all be ok even if deep down, I have no idea if that is the truth. I want to make it all better for those near me that are hurting and upset.

This week I reached out to extended family, with THE kindest and best of intentions. I was doing it not to cause a fight, be a pain in the ass or but my nose into someone else’s business.

I saw someone special to me who was hurting, someone who has been in my life from day 1 and I went into “mom mode” to try to make it better for them.

I did my best to communicate my reasons and best explain the circumstances. I assumed since I was actually witnessing the events, that I had some credibility and knowledge.

I didn’t know how my intentions would be met or what the outcome would be but I tried my best.

My aunt was getting better, the kids and I we were settling into our new routines and life was moving on.

Imagine my surprise when I was told that someone I had confided in, reached out to in a time of need, decided to make the situation about them and for lack of a better word(s) throw me under the bus. The words I carefully chose were taken out of context and all at once I totally pissed and hurt.

Why?? Why would someone do that? What was in it for them? I wasn’t trying to hurt anyone, I was trying to help someone we both love and care for.

I found myself sitting in L’s office near tears  I was SO angry.  L listened, absorbed the information and simply said let it go….it is NOT worth your time…your intentions were nothing but good.

Hopefully this post will not cause any more drama. I did my best to “let it go” but it is more healing for me to write my feelings down and then move on.

Once I hit “publish” I will try not to bring it up again, move on and LET IT GO.

Thanks for listening.


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3 thoughts on “Take a Deep Breathe… and LET IT GO

  1. Ask “L” if she can be my listener and try to talk me down at times at work. You did the absolute right thing and your intentions were the best. To the people who did the throwing, they may be in that position one day, and they can never live up to you (as they can never see past themselves)!

  2. mrs murphy on said:

    Sweetie if u need a shoulder……..

  3. Pingback: God, Gays and “Drama”—One Same-Sex Attracted (SSA) Man’s View | catholicboyrichard

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