trying to find myself and humor in life

Archive for the tag “back to school night”

My Clone

Earlier today I was texting with Mrs. rambling away, as much as you can ramble in a text without the textee losing interest, about back to school night and how this is my first year having to see 4 classrooms to see in one night.

I am a control freak when it comes to the kids but even I had to admit defeat with getting myself to 4 classrooms in an hour and was forced to enlist the husband to come along tonight.  This is husband’s first back to school night and he has no idea what he is in for.

In years past,  I have tried to describe the classroom packed with parents and grandparents and kids (god forbid we leave some of our extended family home) all vying for a minute alone with the teacher to discuss little Johnny’s snack or Mary’s broken pencil box.

Anyway, Jeter was sympathizing and mentioned parent/teacher conferences before getting back to our discussion on how I was over George Clooney when all of the sudden it hit me

Holy Crap! Parent/ teacher conference sign-ups are tonight! Crap! How the hell am I going to manage FOUR conferences this year???????!!!!!

In years past it was just the twins’ conferences I had to deal with and their teachers worked with me to schedule back-to-back conferences. This year is a whole new ballgame. The teachers are still getting to know me and don’t fully appreciate how witty and lovable I am (wink wink).

I may have texted a UGH or GRRRR to Jeter prompting her to reply that I needed a clone before moving on to another topic.

Later I was drafting an oh-so-important letter for work when my mind started to drift and before long I was dreaming about my clone.

What would she look like? What could she do for me? Would she have my same name something more hip?

While most people would prefer to have their clone look exactly like them, hence the reason for actually having a clone, I have decided that my clone to be a better version of myself.

Please join me in meeting and greeting my clone Nik. I hope you love her as much as I do.

Nik will be 5 inches taller AND 10 pounds thinner making her roughly a size 6 which is PERFECTION. In addition, her weight will always stay the same so she will NEVER EVER be forced to have a latte with skim milk or feel shamed for eating pretzels with the lame sandwich she brought for lunch.

She’ll have curly hair, however, her curls will be the perfect combination of volume and bounce that are never frizzy. Her roots never show and she will not have to worry about plucking random grey hairs in the bathroom at work or before an important event where other moms will be present.

Those permanent dark circles under Nik’s eyes, the “hereditary” ones…adios! And so long adult acne!  Damn, Nik will save a fortune not having to buy concealer.

Nik’s a size 6 so getting dressed is a piece of cake. Heck she can’t wait to get dressed because she will look good in everything she owns.

There will be no sense of panic when trying on shorts from last summer or jeans that haven’t been worn since she went to On the Border and took full advantage of the unlimited chips and salsa even after eating a handful of peanut M&Ms at work earlier in the day.

Her clothes will be classic and of a higher quality of what I normally wear. For example, Nik will not  wear Old Navy boyfriend jeans that don’t cuff quite the same as the Level 99 boyfriend jeans worn by super cool fashion bloggers or the hip moms that live in the next town over.

Nik’s patent leather shoes will not be scuffed and the heels on her pumps won’t be damaged from getting caught in the sidewalk while racing into work.

The minivan will be dent and scratch free because Nik is an expert at parallel parking and can back into a parking space like a pro.

Anytime Nik opens her wallet there will be cash – no more ATM fees – and the chip on her debit card will always work in the new check-out machines at Target.

Nik will be an expert and organization and planning and will never have to worry about missing homework, tests to be signed or field trip permission slips. Her credit card payments will never be late and her teeny, tiny box of a house will always look neat and organized.

She  will have one of those personalities that people are drawn to so she will never have to worry about not being included by a group of women at her kids’ sporting event, PTO meeting or department breakfast at work.  People will not look over her when she is speaking or have their eyes glaze over when she is sharing a weekend anecdote.

Nik will always have something clever to say and will never get that spaced out look on her face when colleagues are discussing topics that are way above her pay grade.

She will be assertive but in a good way so the Child Study Team (regular or “summer”) will not make crap up or talk down to her about a “rule” that didn’t exist until that very meeting.

The boys’ teachers will welcome her emails and thank her for being an involved parent and not respond with tone because she dared to ask what the hell a math fact was and (gasp!) how a third grader can become fluent in math factese.

Nik will always make healthy meals that the boys LOVE and will have the family’s weekly meals planned out on Sunday mornings before getting all 4 boys to church at 10am with a smile.

Nik will have the gift of patience and strength to help her get through those god damn reading logs,  f’d up common core math homework sheets, IEPs, autism challenges, behavior issues and sibling bickering because one brother sat too close to another on the big couch or took the last charger for their iPod.

Lastly, Nik will not yell all the time like when she needs to explain to the 9yo that,  yes a shower is necessary after football practice in the rain or when the 5yo ignores the 10 times his name was called because he is watching a Teen Titans rerun on On Demand.

God I LOVE Nik, don’t you?? I just sent her to Starbucks to grab me a Pumpkin Spice Latte, I hope she brings home a biscotti too.  J


Back to School night

Last night was the 2nd of my 3 Back to School Nights and honestly, I was a little disappointed. I am new to the “school-aged kids” thing (the twins just started kindergarten) and I assumed (I know, never assume) that last night would be an informative, structured evening about the kids’ daily routine.  I knew it would be somewhat chaotic, as most school events are, but I had no idea it would be almost circus-like.

For fear of looking like a loser,  I asked begged a friend of mine, Mrs. Mayor, to let me tag along with her and her husband. I have known Mrs. Mayor (Ms. M) for a couple of years now, we met when the twins and her son where in the same pre-k class. She was nice AND sarcastic and I latched right on (tight).

Back to School night started at 7pm and when we pulled up at 6:50 the parking lot full and there was a line of parents out the front door. Was this Back to School or was Bon Jovi in town? I said while Mr. Mayor commented that he thought he saw police manning the door. WTF????

One of the twins and Ms. M’s son are in the same kindergarten class so we were strategizing in the van about how we could become “Co-room Moms”. Ms. M heard it was REALLY important to get to the “clipboard” first and we (Mr. M included) had a plan to grab that clipboard the minute we got into the room. However, first, we had to endure the principal’s introduction.

Let me set the scene for you. Tons of parents (from all walks of life – oops did I say that out loud?) parading into the gym, carrying their free bag of instant mashed potatoes (courtesy of the PTO), frantically searching for an empty  folding chair.

While all this is happening, Mr. Principal decides to start his welcome speech. I understand he had to keep up a schedule but would it have killed him to wait until 7:05?  Mr. Principal is talking away, apparently in a microphone, and I couldn’t understand anything he was saying. I thought it was just me but Ms. M also couldn’t understand him either. It was like sitting on a subway trying to make out what stop was next.

After a  couple of minutes I gave up listening and played with my phone.  When Mr. Principal’s speech was over (I assume this only because everyone was clapping), the entire room stood up and charged  to the back of the gym. It was like Black Friday at Wal-Mart.

Me and Mrs. M were in the front of the pack (Mr. M did not fare as well) determined to get to that clipboard first. We found Mrs. P’s classroom, located the infamous clipboard (only it’s a piece of paper that says “PM Volunteers”) and were the first 2 names on the list (yay us!!) before trying to find our kid’s names on the tables in the room.

I found J’s spot and crammed myself into his little red chair all excited to hear what Mrs. P had to say. Only, it was hard to hear Mrs. P because the majority of the other parents had brought their kids along to Back to School night. You would have thought these kids had never been in a classroom before, let alone in that same room maybe 4 hours earlier. They were yelling and pulling out puzzles and asking Mrs. P where Chrysanthemum (some mouse in a book who was bullied) was.

God Bless Mrs. P, that saintly woman stayed clam, and smiled, the ENTIRE time. One or 2 times she very nicely asked the kids to use their “inside voices” but her smile never faded. It was then that I realized this is why I do NOT teach little children.

The entire time I was sitting in the red chair, I kept thinking Where the f are these kids’ parents and WHY are they not telling their kids to behave? I can understand if you don’t have childcare, then you have to bring your kid. But if you AND your husband came together, couldnt one of you have stayed home with the kids? 

Anyway, Mrs. P was finishing when we heard the mumbled voice of Mr. Principal over the PA system (it sounded like the teacher from Peanuts). Session 1 was over and Session 2 was starting immediately.

Quickly, I ran to find M’s classroom (I separated the twins) and find Ms. G’s  “clipboard”  when I looked up and saw a line of parents waiting to ask this poor teacher specific questions about their kids.  Johnny’s mom wanted to know if Johnny ate his snack, Sasha’s dad HAD to ask what time to drop off her birthday treats and Jimmy’s mom wanted to go over his behavior since day 1.

People it is Back to School night, NOT individual conferences. If you want to know how your kid writes, just send the teacher an email!

It seemed like Ms. G had just started talking about Social Studies and how the kids were going to “grow butterflies”  when the mumbled voice of Mr. Principal was back telling us that Back to School night was officially over.

I found Mr. and Mrs. Mayor in the hall and we quietly walked back to their van. I feel like I need a drink she said and I couldn’t have agreed more!

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