Phew (well for now at least)…

A couple of weeks ago I did a post about this nagging feeling I had, my inner voice alerting me to a change on the horizon. Me, being a slight drama queen,  assumed the “feeling” would involve me – new job, weight loss lottery win, etc.  – but be nothing too severe or life altering if it even happened at all.

Fast forward to last Monday, MLK’s birthday and President Obama’s inauguration. When I woke up my main concern was getting M to the pediatrician by 8:20a (he had told me his “brain was spinning”) and entertaining 3 kids home from school.

Nothing could have prepared me for hearing that my aunt (a/k/a “my nanny”) was unresponsive with labored breathing. Immediately I went into Super Mom mode (i.e. control freak mode) as my aunt was transported to the hospital.

There I was racing down Route 130 South, to beat the ambulance to my aunt’s house, as I texted and called (I know but it was an emergency) the husband and others filling them in on the situation. I calmed my mom and other aunt (there are 3 sisters) and assured them I would take care of everything and it would be fine.

Sitting in the ER waiting room with my uncle, we were met by a chaplain (never a good sign). Chaplain X looked at our last names and let us know that he was also Italian, paisans so to speak. Super, a funny priest-type person, I thought as I watched my uncle tell him the regions of Italy his “people” were from.

Chaplain told us my aunt was sedated but alive. In that instant, my world was completely rocked. It felt almost like a scene in a movie, when a character is transported in time. The room sort of spun and I realized my life with “my nanny” was over.

Sure, having your aunt act as your nanny is not always easy. I couldn’t really yell at her or tell her what to do because she would always tell my mother on me. Nikki….what do you expect? or Nikki, that is just too bad, she is helping YOU out. or Nikki, I am NOT getting involved were typical emails from my mother.

Yes, aunt drove me 100% crazy, however, she loved my kids (all 4) as if they were her own.

Aunt was never able to have children of her own so she took on me, my brother and 3 cousins as her surrogate kids. Aunt was only 20 when I was born so we grew up together. She was always there to take me to the mall or to lunch. Buy me the “cool” clothes or let me sleep over her house.

Aunt would do anything for my kids and they loved her like a grandma. Sure they would yell and argue and I would get phone calls saying Your son is EXACTLY like you but in the end there was unconditional love.

Sitting in the ER, trying to accept that my aunt had almost died, took my breath away. I was flooded with emotions that ran the gamment from anger to sadness.

O-M-G wtf am I going to do with the kids???!! was all I could think. It was on a repeat loop in my head as I talked to friends, family, doctors and nurses. I could hear myself telling everyone It will be ok, she is getting the care she needs now but on the inside I felt like a selfish bitch for worrying about who would watch my kids, let alone how the hell I would afford daycare for 4 kids.

Suck it up, people go through far worse than this! What is wrong with you, no one told you to have 4 kids. See, all those years you didn’t know how good you had it. shuffled through my head all the way home from the hospital that night.

The husband told me it would be ok, “we” (me) would figure it all out and it would be fine. The next day I called daycare and extended day programs frantically trying to find a spot for the boys. People were telling me about openings and enrollment fees and all I could ask was Do you accept credit cards? and Can they start on Monday?

By Thursday, it was all sorted out and all the kids had a “plan”. Mommy had no idea how to execute the “plan” with work but figured it would work itself out some how. All weekend my stomach was in a knot. I told the twins how “fun” school would be and how awesome it would be to eat lunch with the big kids.

I took L to visit his “new school” and told him how much fun he would have (being there 12 hours a day). J was another story altogether but he would have to deal.

Today I woke up and the morning ritual I have followed for 6 years was out the window. Lunches needed to be made, kids dressed and busses to be met – and all by me. There was no time to fret over my bad hair day or how big my ass looked in my black pants.

When it was time to leave for bus #1, M told me he was NOT going to school and he did not like his lunch. I took a deep breath and said Well I guess you can just sit on the bus all day, and continued to go about my business. \

The twins nervously held my hand as we waited for the bus and anxiously they boarded looking for a seat. I love you!! was all I could say.

All morning I busied myself with work and internet research (i.e. People.com) to take my mind off the kids. The worry was always there but just not as prevalent.

As I sat at my desk getting ready to eat lunch, I checked my yahoo account. Emails from the Gap, Victoria’s Secret and Old Navy filled my inbox. Mixed between, however, was an email from the twins’ teacher.

Just wanted to let you know that Matthew and Joshua had a good morning with me…

Relief flooded over me. Thank god 2 down, 2 to go. Feeling lucky, I called L’s daycare to check in on him. L is great, he ate his whole lunch and is napping. He didn’t cry once.

Alleluia!!

I know it is only Monday, I have days, weeks and months ahead of me. Soon the newness of everything will wear off and the kids will not be as willing to go on the bus or get ready for school.

Thus is life though right? Fingers crossed I will be able to make it through. I guess there is always red wine at dinner right (lol)?

ps – my aunt is doing well and getting better everyday 🙂

24 Hours

It’s funny the games life  – God, the universe, etc – play with you. One minute everything is “fine.” You are living your life, “going through the motions” so to speak. Performing your everyday,  normal, (often mundane)  routine and chores mentally counting the days, weeks, months until the next big vacation, weekend, celebration etc.

Wake up, take shower, make lunches, brew coffee, plan dinner, fight with kid(s) over breakfast, tv, DS, school and then BAM your world is turned upside down.

Sometimes, I guess, there is a warning. A premonition or feeling that things are going to change. Usually though, it comes out of the blue and gets you completely unprepared.

As an adult you are supposed to “roll with the punches” be strong and get through or survive the obstacle thrown at you, no matter how big or small.

Sure you can cry and say “why me/us/them/her/him” or my favorite “that’s not fair” . Inevitably, however,  someone will respond with a “no one said life is fair” or “God only gives you what you can handle.”

At the time you want to punch the person that said that. Tell them to go f-off and leave you alone. What do they know, are they close personal friends with God?

Sloooooooowly you begin to see and know that they were right – damn them – and life does go on and you will survive.

Monday, in a matter of hours, my life was turned upside down. Even now, days later, it still seems surreal to me.

On Monday I kicked into survival mode. Shockingly, I am able to handle crisis well – it is very out of character for me. Little things like a bad haircut can make me cry but throw me a family crisis and I am super woman.

Immediately, I separate myself from all the drama and upset and focus on what needs to be done and the best way to do it. There I was on Monday making phone calls, texting instructions and giving information to doctors and staff in the ER and the whole time I was completely calm. Heck, I actually flagged down an ambulance and paramedic truck and got them to stop!

I comforted my aunt and mother, told them all would be fine. I reassured friends that things were being taken care of and everything would be ok. Don’t worry, I will keep you posted…feel free to call or text me anytime I heard myself say over and over.

Once in a while, a thought will cross my mind and I feel myself start to panic. OMG I have no daycare! WTF am I going to do with the kids next week!! Holy Crap, it costs how much to put the twins in after care?! (this is all about me after all).

I have been coping as best I can with my “go-to” items – chocolate and sarcasm (which is not always appreciated by people). The whole family is actually trying to cope all in their own way – although some of their ways boggle my mind at times. I guess I should cut them some slack since we are all living in a haze of hospital visiting hours and sporadic updates from nurses with poor bedside manner.

Each day I tell myself things will get better, it will all work out even if I don’t 100% believe it. However, the one thing I know I can always count on is the support of family and friends. Their messages and texts have been a god send and make me smile.

Whether it be Mrs. Jeter bringing me a latte or Mrs. Gray and her Crew cracking me up at a Charlie Browns restaurant, it’s been a blessing and I hope to pay it forward one day soon – or at least make everyone a batch of jell-o shots.

Thanks everyone xoxox

Back to life….

English: Sunset at Sunset Beach in Cape May, NJ (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It’s been awhile my friends out there in the great blogosphere. Things were kind of crazy here with Sandy stopping by and wrecking havoc and devastation on the entire state of New Jersey – as well as New York and other areas.

My family and I were without power for a week (even my work was closed for an entire week) but I will not complain knowing how much worse it could have been (I will however, say that it was a LONG week explaining “no power” to 4 kids, 2 of whom are under the age of 5).

I was lucky enough to have family nearby who had power/water/heat. Me, the husband and 4 kids were refugees at various houses and were even able to save some of the contents of our freezer and fridge thanks to my bro and SIL.

At times it was stressful and chaotic but also funny and loving. Watching the kids have a make-shift Halloween celebration with their 2 cousins was priceless – as was drinking a LOT of wine with my brother and SIL (can anyone else relate to “The Sandy 15”??).

While hanging out with my SIL one afternoon, she asked me why I wasnt using the time off to blog about my hurricane adventures. Surely you have some good stories to share she said. Nah was all I could come up.

Later on that day I thought about what she said. Truth was, she was right. I had a TON of “material” to use for blogs to last me a week or more. Funny things the kids did, annoying things the husband said and even risking my life to get bread and water at my local Target.

My family and I (more so me) use humor and sarcasm to deal with stressful situations. It’s easier to make a joke out of my MIL moving to Florida ASAP rather than think about her losing her home at the Jersey shore (believe it or not her house had NO damage).

Mocking the political figures on the tv (seriously, does everyone need a fleece with their name embroidered on it, we know you are the Governor) takes away from the pain of looking in the background of the press conference and seeing the complete devastation of the Jersey shore.

I just felt like I could not post a funny, senseless blog when there was so much suffering going on in my own backyard (literally).  I did not want to offend people and make light of anyone’s situation. After all, everyone deals with bad stuff in his or her own way. Who am I to tell them differently?

So I stayed silent.

Monday my work opened for the first time in a week. My law firm, the firm that did NOT close for 9/11 (when we had an office in the Twin Towers) was closed for an entire week. Amazing.

Monday the kids all went back to school. The majority of my town regained their power and the traffic lights on the main highway were restored. Slowly, life was getting back to “normal”.

Today is Tuesday, Election Day. I decided to vote before work, I figured it would be less crowded and I could be in and out relatively quickly. Also, I was a little nervous that people wouldn’t make the effort to get out there today after everything that happened last week.

Imagine my surprise when I pulled into the parking lot and saw that it was full! I had to actually wait on line to sign in and cast my ballot.

On the ride into work the En Vogue song “Back to Life” started playing in my head (as well as a Dave Matthews song that was on the cd player). I thought about the lyrics (the ones I could actually remember)

…back to life, back to reality…back to the here and now…

Damn, that one line is right one. 

Yes, it is time, at least for me anyway, to get back into my life. To get back into my routine (work, laundry, kids, cooking and juice pouring) even if it is often mundane. This is what we do, because life goes on.

The only good to come out of the hurricane was that Sandy taught me to appreciate the little things (power) as well as the big things (family).

My thoughts and prayers are with those families who lost so much and I hope that soon, they too will be able to get back into their own lives and rebuild what they lost.

Fairy GodMother 911

Growing up I never  thought I would be dependant on anyone, especially a man. My mom was a single, working mother (back when it was not really “in vogue”) so I assumed that it was just “normal” to work, take care of the kids and manage a household without a man.

My Prince!!

While my father contributed some support and paid for school (with the help of my stepmother – a woman), Mom was the one who made sure we had food, clothes and all the other necessary amenities (i.e. cable, Atari and summer vacations).

It was not always easy, but it was not always hard either. My brother and I “survived” and each went on to graduate from high school (catholic no less) and the University of Delaware (Go Hens!). We both have “careers” and are married with families of our own.

It was just a given that I would work, have bills to pay and shop the sale racks. I figured I would be happy and fulfilled and always desire the expensive, black leather boots at Nordstrom.

Everything was going according to plan and then life happened. Damn it, don’t you hate when that happens?!

Now there were 4 kids to clothe, feed and pay health benefits for. A mortgage and home equity loan on a townhouse that won’t sell (don’t even get me started on the Home Owner’s Association fees) and new tires and/or brakes on a minivan and Ford Expedition.

This coupled with all the other “stuff” going on my life made me take a step back and realize Holy Crap!! I am NOT the independent woman I thought I would be!

The realization was like walking into a brick wall. WTF, when did this happen????? Better yet, why did this happen??

I feel like I am stuck in purgatory with no chance of escape  – or even an escape route in the distance.

I have tried to be somewhat proactive, I talked to some people and solicited advice. However, all of it was pretty much the same. Nicole…you need a plan.

Seriously?!

A plan? Umm, I was thinking more along the lines of a bail-out or a free pass. A plan will require me to think and come up with idea and for lack of a better word plan!

I am NOT a planner, my mom will attest to this (as will by brother, SIL, aunts and cousin). That is not to say that I am a “fly by the seat of my pants” kind of gal (can you name the movie this line is from???) either.

It’s just that planning makes me nervous and gives me stress.

It is stressful to me to 1) come up with a plan from scratch (if there were a template or a sample it would be SO much easier); 2) hope the plan is ok (again, guidelines would be helpful here); 3) execute the plan (yikes!) and 4) move forward to end result (way too scary).

You know what would be better for me? If someone could just rescue me and make it all better.

Why can’t there be a prince on a white horse who comes to my rescue??? It worked for Snow White, Cinderella and Fiona (ok, he turned out to be an ogre but you get my point).

I get it, being “rescued” is not a very, independent, feminist way of thinking but it is WAY more practical.

I know, I know, if someone rescues me they are doing all the work and not me. How can I expect to be able to care for me and my family (i.e. be a grown up) if I am not willing or able to take care of my own problems?

As my friend L eloquently said last night, You need to be your own prince…because ultimately you will end of caring the prince’s kids, mom, dog, etc”

L makes a VERY valid point but still, a rescue does have its appeal.

It’s romantic and easy and safe. There is no chance of error because the rescuer (prince, sugar daddy, etc.) will have thought of everything. He will have drafted THE perfect plan complete with all the  pros, cons and solutions for same. The end result will be amazing and surely lead to a  “happily ever after.”

And now I am going to do what I should have done years ago, I am going to reach out to my Fairy Godmother and issue a 911 alert!

Fairy Godmother, if you are listening, PLEASE help me. PLEASE (pretty please with sugar on top)  rescue me (or send someone to do it for you) and help me find my way. I promise to behave and make you proud but I just need a little push to get me started. FG this is a 911 call for help STAT!!

** Rider: Said Rescuer shall have no “baggage” (i.e. dog, unstable mother, etc. and he must be able to cook, clean, do laundry and food shop without prompting**

Thank you and I look forward to a response – or a visitor on a horse 🙂

Not my best blog, but at least I wrote something :)

12BS_CD_Shadow_jpg (Photo credit: WiseWellWoman)

Day 8 of my New Year’s resolutions [(1) end unnecessary drama (2) write everyday] and I must admit, I have done a bang up job of blowing both of them. Isn’t it amazing how you can completely screw something up without even trying? I can only imagine how much more I could have f’d them up if I had put a little effort into it.

Since I can’t seem to stop my addiction to drama I figured I would spend a little time on the writing. I went into work early (again), with the intention of writing a blog and maybe drafting an article to send out to some magazines. I was feeling pretty good when I left the house. Humidity was low so my hair looked good, I was wearing a new necklace from Anthro (on sale!) and there was no traffic.

Then I pulled into the parking lot and it was like BAM! All my positive energy was sucked right out of me. You can do it…you can do it I told myself all the way to my desk.

I sat down, logged onto the computer and stared at all the out-dated photos I have hung up all over my cube. Hmmm, I should really take some of those down and clean up a little, I thought to myself while waiting for the computer to warm up.

Checked my work email, checked my Yahoo email, checked Facebook (mind you I had done all this on my phone 10 minutes earlier in the car) and logged onto Wordpress.

I clicked on mommy&everything (hmmm, maybe I should change that name?) – dashboard –  new post and then nothing. I swear, I could hear the crickets in my head that is how empty it was. WTF again I have NOTHING to say? How can that be? I live in a house with 4 boys all of whom have started school and taking the bus and I have nothing to write about? God I suck!

I sent some emails, read People.com, checked my phone again (do you see a pattern with my addictive personality) and then back to WordPress. Still nothing. Ugh.

I attempted to write something about autism but lost interest after the first couple sentences so I went on to Amazon to check out the Kindle Deal of the Day. Funny, I was actually at work and doing any of the real “work” on my desk had not crossed my mind.

Before long it was time to take L to his first day of pre-k at his new school. I was meeting my aunt (a/k/a “the nanny”) at 9:15 which left me plenty of time to get L to class by 9:30.

Imagine my surprise, as L and I strolled hand in hand down the hallway, to see the classroom door locked and all the kids and teachers inside (most of the kids were crying since their moms had left). Oh crap!! I got the time wrong. Instead of being 10 minutes early, we were now 20 minutes late.

We got inside and I apologized profusely to everyone for being so late. It’s fine, it’s fine they said while giving me “that look” while they attempted to soothe the screaming kids. Luckily L found a puzzle he liked and was fine when I left.

However, all the way back to work I berated myself for being such a “super” mom. This is typical me-type behavior. I can’t just brush something off or accept I made a simple mistake. No, instead I rip myself apart and tell myself how much I suck (really healthy right?). I blame myself for EVERYTHING because I am my own worst enemy. Seriously, there is nothing I can do right for myself.

When I see myself doing this I want to kick my own ass. WTF is wrong with you?? Stop the pity party and knock it off already! I want to scream at myself.

I guess I assumed that once I turned 40, the skies would part, harps would play and I would be zapped with self-confidence and self-esteem. No longer would I blame myself for things that were not my fault or apologize to people for no reason at all. Instead I would be confident and walk with my head held high and not care what others thought of me.

How funny is that?!

I keep telling myself it’s baby steps. So maybe I didn’t turn 40 and magically turn into some super, confident wonder woman. However, maybe I am not appreciating all the little steps I have taken lately, steps in the right direction.

I started a blog which shocked the hell out of me (and my friends and family). I was able to advocate for my son with his ASD, I asked for a pay increase at work and I got an article published in a real magazine.

Wow, that’s not so bad for 18 months. No, I didn’t find the cure for cancer or start a new, fabulous career but I am trying. I have to keep reminding myself it is all about the baby steps and someday the baby steps will pay off (fingers crossed and knock on wood).

I can not guarantee that I will stop beating myself up for things or stop allowing certain people to make me doubt myself. I will, however, promise to work on it and be more conscious of it.

I am a work in progress right? If I do happen to catch myself doing this I will take the advise of Olympia Dukakis’ character from the movie “Moonstruck” and SNAP OUT OF IT!

No more drama and LOTS of concealer

Oscar (Photo credit: rocor)

If someone were to steal my iPod I am pretty sure it would be returned immediately. My taste in music is not exactly….ecletic, hip or even current – though thanks to Shazam I have recently purchased some happy Top 40 summer tunes. My Itunes music consists mainly of Top 40 and (gasp) 80’s music with a occassional tween song (One Direction anyone?) or freestyle mix thrown in.

However, once in a great while, I will hear a song that is completely outside my genre and I become slightly obsessed with it. I play it over and over (and over) again at full volume in the van. Usually the song coincides with something going on in my life and, therefore, becomes ingrained in my subconscious as forever being related to a specific feeling/action/event etc. (i.e. “Call me maybe” will ALWAYS be a happy, summer song).

Which brings me to today’s song – drumroll please……..Mary J. Blige’s “No More Drama.”

Are you surprised? When Midgie found out I had Mary J. Blige on my iPod she almost fell over, I guess Mary and Duran Duran don’t exactly sound like a hot play list. (Btw, Midgie had no idea the phrase “Frankie says relax” was from a song)

Anyway, when I first heard “Drama” I was OBSESSED. It caught my ear from the first note (which is the theme music to The Young and the Restless) and I was OBSESSED. I could feel Mary’s pain and I felt like she was talking right to me.

Uh, it feel so good
When you let go
Of all the drama in your life
Now you’re free from all the pain
Free from all the game
Free from all the stress
So find your happiness

Do you feel it too?

Today is the first day of my “vacation”. I am supposed to be stress-free and in total “vacation mode.” Ummm, NOT!

Major work drama yesterday before I left, which left me with a HUGE knot in my stomach. All night I had a nagging voice in my head telling me don’t forget you have to call J in the am to discuss…don’t forget…call J!

Couple that with the drama of the twins being assigned the same kindergarten class, J’s annual neurodevelopmental appointment this afternoon, MAJOR family drama (from both sides – MIL has broken tailbone can you say karma!!), the husband who can’t take off next week for day trips and the extremely limited funds in my checking account because payday is not until the 31st and you have my 1st day of vacation!

Unfortunately, the drama has found its way to my face in the form of zits that make me resemble a pre-teen girl.

I get it, in the grand scheme of things, these are just minor glitches, most of which will (hopefully) be resolved. I left a message for the principal of the twins’ school (nothing like making a name for yourself before school even starts), I will eventually find (fingers crossed) all the paperwork for J’s appointment AND there is even overdraft protection and plastic to solve my money woes.

The family drama, however, will probably never go away. Isn’t that just the way it is with families? There is always something going on. I used to over react and jump right in with a reaction but lately I have mellowed a bit. Now I try I take a deep breath, sip of wine and count to 10 (or a million) before responding. Sure, sometimes I freak out and scream at the husband or myself but those instances are not as frequent anymore.

This morning, as I was GENEROUSLY applying my Bobbi Brown Corrector Concealer, I will admit to having a little, tiny pity party for myself. It was the beginning of the party and I was about to step inside when the bathroom door swung open and J started yelling at me to fix the volume on his iPod touch.

It was then that Mary’s voice whispered in my ear …when you let go of all the drama in your life…no more drama.

F this. It is the first day of my vacation and I will not let drama ruin my time! I do not want to win the Oscar for Drama Queen! For the remainder of the day I will try to follow Mary’s advise. I will play her song on a non-stop loop in my head (and in the van) and tell myself this too shall pass and what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.

Ugh I was just given a drink order (red juice with ice) so my blogging time is over, for now.  Wish me luck!!

Bippity boppity boo

Bippity Boppity Boo (Photo credit: Adg’s Screen Caps)

So today I met with a colleague at work to “revisit” my February performance review. Back in February, it was brought to my attention, in a rather constructively critical manner, that I was a bit of a clock watcher and basically inept (per one partner). However, it was decided that I would be given 4 months to “improve” and then be given the opportunity to “revisit” the issues – I know you are jealous.

Well it has been over 4 months but I was in NO hurry to be reviewed again. Sitting across a desk from someone as they rattle off a list of negatives (no matter how “constructive”) is not really my idea of a good time (such as say a PAP smear) so I ignored the 4 month mark.

Honestly, I thought work was going pretty well. I was covering for another paralegal on maternity leave and that had kept me busy. I was working with different lawyers and it was a nice change of pace. There were no major catastrophes (at least that were brought to my immediate attention) and I was feeling somewhat confident – anyone who knows me knows that me using the word “confident” is a big deal since I am not typically a confident person.

Anyway, I decided to bring the review up last week when my supervisor was visiting my office and figured I wouldn’t hear anything more about it. Wrong.

So here I am today feeling OK about myself as I shut the door to C’s office. I make myself comfortable, amidst the folders and papers on her guest chair, and brace myself for the news. C starts off telling me that the majority of the “talk” was “positive” BUT there were some episodes of “self-sabotage” and plenty of room to grow (I do too much personal stuff and one partner never knows when I am “around”) but overall I had “improved” since February. Whew…but wait there is more.

It seems the overall opinion, among the lawyers, was that I am not very “remarkable” and that I do nothing to distinguish myself from any other Tom, Dick or Harry that could sit at my desk.

Do you feel the love???

How does one respond to that? Do you smile and say thank you? Do you cry and leave in a hurry or do you just take it all in and pretend to give a shit?

My reaction was a combination of all three. After a HUGE pep talk I left C’s office feeling…well…like crap but knowing it was up to me to make a change because no one was going to do it for me.

C said I was allowed a brief moment of pity (I took an hour) and then I needed to focus on what I could do in my life to make me happy (in work and home) and “shine”.

I feel like I am at a cross roads lately. I know that there is no way I was put on this earth to be a paralegal. Seriously, there had to be some other purpose for me other than being unremarkable at a law firm satellite office in Princeton, NJ. But what??

C had asked me today in her office what I liked to do and what made me happy. I toyed with a sarcastic rebuttal but decided against it. Instead I told C that I enjoyed blogging and working with parents of kids’ who have autism (like my 4yo).

Ok, great, wtf am I going to do with those 2 thingd?? While I would love to be a professional blogger, I don’t think bloggers get medical benefits  – a necessity with 4 kids (one of whom has ASD). Also, I really have a clue as to how you become a full-time professional blogger.

As for working with parents, this is something that sort of took me by surprise. Last year, I was given the opportunity to sit on a parent panel at an autism seminar. At first I was terrified thinking who the hell would care what I would have to say????

Then something strange happened that day, not only did people listen to me but they asked ME questions and even emailed ME. They actually cared about what I had to say and to paraphrase Sally Field “they really liked me”. It was a great feeling and I volunteered for any other future parent panels.

I started networking among the ASD professionals and even volunteered to work at a carnival hoping to get my name out there and be remembered. I don’t know if my efforts will pay off one day but at least I know that a couple of times a year I get to take part in something that really makes me feel good about myself and makes me feel like I am making a difference.

C told me today that I can’t expect instant gratification and that I need to keep working and making a mark for myself, to plant the proverbial seeds that will someday grow.

I guess C has a point but all I could think of when I got home is how I wish I had a real Fairy Godmother who would swoop down and shout bippity boppity boo! before making all my wishes come true.

I know, I know, I am a 40 yo mom of 4 and I can’t expect anyone, let alone a Fairy Godmother, to make my dreams come true. It is up to me to do that but really, just one time, I think it would be FABULOUS!!!

In the meantime I will continue to do my best at work to be more “remarkable”. I will put on a fake smile and look happy as I sit at my desk “working” and doing NOTHING personal (like everyone else is doing). Who knows, maybe it will all pay off and someday I will get to do something I truly like.

In the meantime, I will keep hoping and praying to hear the magic words bippity boppity boo!!

Feeling violated (sort of)

When I decided to start blogging I told myself I would not tell any family or friends (except one special Mommy Blogger). It would be my secret, and I wouldn’t have to worry about anyone being offended or knowing too much information about me. Blogging would be a way for me to talk about things that would be too difficult in “real life.” 

Well the secret lasted maybe 2 weeks before I caved and told Mrs. Jeter. I was afraid for her to read the blog, especially since Mrs. Jeter is a phenomenal writer.  I sat at my desk waiting for her to send me an email with her thoughts (Mrs. Jeter is ALWAYS honest).

Relief washed over me when  she liked it and thought it was funny. Slowly, I started sharing the blog with select people on Facebook (the pressure of “stats” was getting to me) and eventually my family. I even worked up the courage to send invites to friends and acquaintances to follow the blog. The only people I was adamant about not sharing the blog with were co-workers and my in-laws.

 Things were going fine until this past weekend when the husband and I took the kids to LBI. The kids were eating McDonalds in the kitchen and I had gone out back to see what the husband was up to. He was at the outside table with his parents and looked like he was playing with his phone (a usual occurence). However, as I got closer I noticed that the husband was reading from his phone out loud to his parents.

NO! HE ISN’T? HE WOULDN”T? OMG NO!!!!

Panic started to flood my body and I could feel myself turning varying shades of red as I started to recognize the words that he was saying ….my mom and I often refer to my storage unit as the other woman…

O-M-G!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What are you reading? I asked with a shaky voice. Oh, just your blog the husband said.  Wait it gets better. My MIL than says Joe has shared a couple of your blogs with us before…they are SO funny (insert fake laughter). I was just so proud of you Honey. 

I sat speechless in a chair wanting to just disappear. How could the husband do that? Why the **** would he tell his freakin’ mother of all people and WTF, did she read the one I wrote about her????!!! was all I could think.

Luckily my brother-in-law strutted in with his new girlfriend and the focus was taken off me so we could pretend to be one, big, loving family for the new GF.

On the ride home all I could think about was my MIL reading my blog. She is VERY judgmental and her reading the blog, even if it was just 1 or 2 posts, tainted the experience for me. I felt vulnerable and in a way, violated.

I know the husband didn’t share the blog to be cruel, I get that. I also get that I post a blog on WordPress and anyone can read it. It’s in blogosphere for Pete’s sake. Still, a stranger reading it is not like someone you know. 

Just yesterday IT Guy stumbled on my blog and I was totally mortified. He knows me in a certain way at work and to know he was reading my blog totally weirded me out all day – especially when he would quote parts of it to me.

Is it me? I don’t know, maybe I am being overly sensitive. Anyway, I have no idea who reads my posts when they are out in the great blogosphere. I don’t know if people like them, hate them or don’t think twice about them. I guess that is sort of the point of a blog to not worry about what people will say or think and just write what you are feeling or thinking.

ps – I have to think of a way to make sure my MIL never reads my blog again!

Mama NEVER said there would be days like this

Ahhhhh TGIM – Thank God it’s Monday!! Yes you are reading that correctly, I am happy it’s Monday.

This weekend was a challenge to say the least. I am not sure if there was a full moon or something funky going on with the gods above but all 4 of my kids were NUTS the entire weekend.

I have blocked Saturday from my memory – trust me it’s better this way  – but let me share a little of my Sunday with you.

It started off as any other day in our house, kids up early (like before 6:30 early) waking me up asking for drinks and breakfast, constant chaos and fights over toys and tv shows and a battle between a Clone warrior and Sponge Bob/Captain America (a/k/a M&L).

The twins have swim lessons on Sunday mornings and I was trying to get their stuff together when I realized M’s Avengers bathing suit was not clean. Oh no, this is not good. After digging through the bathing suits, all I was able to scrounge up were Spiderman and a Hawaiian print suit in M’s size. This was SO not good. The husband said M would have to deal and went off to take out the garbage.

I sent the twins upstairs to get dressed for swim and counted the minutes until the meltdown was sure to begin. 10-9-8-7-6 MMMOOOOMMM where is my Avenger bathing suit??!!

It’s in the washing machine, just wear what I left out and hurry up because Dad is leaving soon, I yelled from the kitchen.

I can’t wear this bathing suit, it’s stupid and I look like a poopy head in it. Mom, Mom, MOMMY I said I want my Avenger bathing suit, I want it now!!! ARGH!!! I am not going to swim, I HATE this bathing suit!

The husband started jingling the keys so I quickly ran upstairs to find M another bathing suit. By the grace of God, the Avenger suit was lying in the laundry basket buried under a pile of sheets – thank god! Crisis averted – sort of.

The little kids were engrossed in an episode of Team Umizoomi when I decided to take advantage and grab a quick shower. Umi was on for at least 15 minutes which was more than enough time, heck, they wouldn’t even realize I was gone.

I was just putting a little spray gel in my hair when I heard the bang of my canisters over the bathroom fan – uh oh. I yelled down to the kids and got no answer. Crap, this can’t be good.

I ran down the steps to find a kitchen chair pushed up against the wall and in the middle of my counter sat L holding the canister lid saying Cookies?

O-M-G!!!!!!!!!!! Get off the counter !!! I yelled (after grabbing my phone to snap a picture). How is this my life???!!

My brother was on his way over to help the husband move a couch so I knew I had to dress the kids. Lately, J has not wanted to get dressed and been a little “difficult” to say the least. Well today proved to be no different. After wrestling, threatening and screaming coaxing J was now naked in his room.

L was wearing a fireman rain jacket and repeatedly yelling Rescue! as he ran around their room taunting J. Finally in a last-ditch effort I took L outside and told J that he could come outside if he got dressed.

My plan back fired. J now stood in the hallway naked (in front of the storm door) and L ran in the street kicking rocks yelling Rescue!

Why me God?

Somehow J finally got dressed (and undressed and dressed again), L took off the rain jacket and I sat on the couch exhausted – it was not even noon!

The rest of the day was a blur that ended with me at Shop Rite around 8:30pm. Life is never boring in my house that’s for sure. But hey, it will get easier right?will get better right?

The Husband’s Mother

Wedding rings Português: Anéis de Noivado / Casamento (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Ahhhh the stories and blogs I could share with you about my mother-in-law!! I could fill volumes of books about the woman who gave birth to the husband. It is a complicated relationship between a wife and mother-in-law. The MIL is the first woman in a husband’s life. She was his g0-to-person, the one who nursed his boo boos and chased away the monsters from his bad dreams. She raised him and made him into the man that he is today.  

It must be hard to then be “replaced” by a wife. I know a  mother can never be completely replaced but when a wife comes into the picture, she suddenly becomes the go-to-person. She is now the one the “boy” shares his hopes and dreams with, the one who will support and comfort him and eventually create a family with him.

How can a MIL not feel some sort of power struggle with the wife, especially if the wife is the first one among her 3 sons?

Welcome to my world.  I have been with the husband for 15 years, married for almost 12. He is the oldest of 3 boys and was the first to get engaged and married. To say his mom and I have not always had the best relationship would be putting it mildly.

In the beginning it was great, we were as sweet as pie to each other. We would laugh and tell stories with each other and even buy each other little gifts for no reason. I desperately wanted this woman to like me, maybe love me, and think that I was THE BEST thing to happen to her son and family. I tried my best to live up to her expectations of a “good wife” but I don’t think I ever met them. Honestly, I don’t think anyone could, including herself.

Our relationship can best be described as a roller coaster ride, with extreme highs and lows. I thought once I had kids our relationship could change, now she would have grandchildren (4 boys no less) to spoil and carry on the family name. Things have changed but it is not the bliss I dreamed it would be. With kids came LOTS of unsolicited advice which was not always appropriate. 

After all these years I would like to think that the MIL and I have reached a level in our relationship that comes with some comfort, respect and civility.  I know that she is not going anywhere and by now she knows that I am not either. We both love her son and her grandchildren and know that they will always connect us. It is not a perfect relationship but it is what it is and I try not to complain too much (try being the operative word) but no one is perfect right?

When the husband and I got engaged my MIL would sign my birthday cards love. When we were newlyweds she signed my birthday card The Husband’s Mother and Father and this year my card (which was early) simply had my in-laws first names on it with no signature whatsoever.

At first I was HIGHLY insulted and complained to my mom and Mrs. Jeter. How could she not put anything after all these years, not even a fondly??  I whined.  Mrs. Jeter and my mom both told me I was asking for too much and that I should just be happy to have gotten a card. Wasn’t it better to not have some fake “love” or “fondly” attached. They were right but I still huffed and puffed and threw the card on the counter. I even tried to start a fight with the husband over it (very mature of me I know).

Now as I sit here (when I should be working) I think it’s fine that she didn’t add a fake signature. I need to really accept our “relationship” for what it is and be done with it. Life is too short to waste time and energy on things like birthday cards and now that I am approaching 40 I need to let it go. One day the boys will have wives or partners and I wouldn’t want them to fight over me (even though I am THE perfect mom!).

That being said, please cut me some slack because this is WAY easier said than done and it will take LOTS of time!!!!!!!