trying to find myself and humor in life

Archive for the tag “motherhood”

Happy Monday

Hey there it’s Monday and it’s actually sunny here in the beautiful Garden State.

I had to look at the calendar twice to make sure it is really the last week in February – where did that month go???

My weekend was good, not too busy which is always a plus. The husband was off Friday, Saturday and Sunday (a rarity) and we were able to squeeze in breakfast at the diner sans kids one day. The twins had basketball on Saturday (God when is this season over?) and J has a bday party that afternoon. The party was a little traumatic for us since M, who is in a different K class, was not invited to this particular bday party.

After some tears, a tantrum, more tears and a hug, I was able to satisfy M with an alone trip to Barnes and Noble just him and me. We browsed the kid’s section for just the right book and even bought J a book about Ninjago. Our “date” ended with a sugar cookie at Starbucks before heading out to pick up the little kids at Wawa’s house.

Later that night as I tucked M into bed, he gave me a hug and thanked me for taking him to the book store. I hugged him tight and thought to myself how lucky I am to have my little Bugman and that maybe I don’t suck at this whole motherhood thing as much as I think I do.

Before I left his room I asked M if he had a good day, assuming he would say YES Mommy, the BEST ever!

Instead M took a minute to think and then replied ummmm…I guess so but I KNOW J had more fun than I did good night.

And there you have it. Have a good week.My Bugman


I quit

Yes friends out there in the great blogosphere, I am quitting. What you may ask? Have you finally found a new career, one that will take me away from the tidias daily grind of being a paralegal extraordinaire??

Sadly no – though I am open to suggestions (keep it clean though, this is a family friendly blog lol).

I think it’s time that I quit my other full-time job. The job that has me working 24/7, no overtime or holiday pay and did I mention NO SALARY!

Give up?

Why it’s mommyhood of course.

Wait, before you go getting all über judgmental about how great being a mom is and how it is THE most important job in the universe, please let me defend myself.

First, I love my kids all four boys ages 6, 6, 4 and 3. I would do anything for them and would probably stand in front of a moving vehicle for them (unless maybe it was a huge tractor-trailer – JUST KIDDING).

My boys are my pride and joy and it amazes me each day that they are all mine and that I didn’t break them in infanthood.

I was able to withstand, colicky babies, reflux as the doctors like to call it, 2 bouts of pyloric stenosis (which require surgery and a hospital stay), jaundice, anemia, RSV and 4 ear infections at the SAME time and let’s not forget J with his Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD).

Through it all I have tried to maintain a positive outlook (well as positive as I could be) and was always able to find humor (no matter how small) in any given situation.

Each time we survive one crisis I think to myself ok, we got through this, I did it! We can do it again…God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle right??

After this morning though, I feel like I am done. I have done all there is to do and now it is up the husband, or the boys or my mom (JK), to take over.

There wasn’t one little thing that set me off really, rather, a compilation of all the things I met this weekend that has sent me seeking new employment.

Blame it on the weather, PMS or my back being out (yes, I have hurt my back AGAIN) but the kids really did me in this past weekend.

I don’t think it was one thing in particular, it was pretty much the same old Saturday and Sunday.

The little kids fought all weekend, L made J cry more times than I could count. The twins complained when they had to get dressed and leave for baseball practice and pictures.

The house looked like a disaster each time I cleaned it up and no matter who I asked to help me straighten the living room, the response was always the same but I didn’t do it…whhhyyyyy do I always have to heeelllpp??!

M told me he wanted to change his name – this happens a lot and I have actually gotten used to it. So far he has been Geo, Michael and now Roger. To think, I spent months agonizing over what to name this kid and he is happy with the name Geo.

Let’s see what else? Oh, 3 kids have colds which is always fun. J (ASD boy) has taken to waking up at 5am on weekends and weekdays. Twin J thinks he is sick but refuses to speak so it’s like playing 20 questions to guess what his ailment is.

M decided he hated his entire family, especially me, because there were no bagels for his breakfast on Sunday and he was bored all day AND he was sick of sharing the Wii Star Wars Lego game!

L thought it was great to play hide and seek in my just made bed and to play with the switch on my heating pad.

After I had taken a muscle relaxer the 2 little kids thought it would be good to sit on my bed and kill each other over the iPad and Mommy’s phone that was charging and M declared that he was NOT going to bed because he was going to play Star Wars. After I threatened to take away his toy laser gun if he wouldn’t go to bed he looked at me and said (completely serious) Here, just take it I am going to play downstairs.

This morning I thought we would start fresh, but the weekend behind me. The back was still hurting but at least I could stand straight and it was a new week.

I was almost done making lunches when M came downstairs. This is what followed.

M –  Mom, what are you doing with that bagel? 

Me –  Oh, I am making it for your lunch today.

M – Umm no thanks. I don’t like it.

Me – Yes, you so, since when? If you don’t take this for lunch what do you want?

M – I don’t know, maybe Goldfish?

Me – Goldfish is not lunch M, pick something? Do you want cereal, a sandwich, the bagel what? what do you want?

M – Nothing , I only want Goldfish why do you always tell me no, I wannnnnnt Goldfish. That’s not fair.

Me – Fine, don’t eat then, I don’t care (as I threw the buttered bagel into his lunch bag and zipped up his back pack.

After this exchange I got to fight with L over getting dressed and going to school (L thought he would stay in “his house” today). I also argued with J that cookies were not a breakfast item and that he had to clean up the crayons that covered my kitchen floor.

The last straw came when I very nicely, told the twins it was super cold out and perhaps it would be better if they wore sweatshirts to school and not the shirts they had picked out last night.

M was NOT happy. He told me (again) how is wasn’t fair and he was NOT wearing a sweatshirt!

I lost it. Instead of taking the high road and walking away, I heard myself say something like

Fine, wear the dirty Angry Birds Star Wars t-shirt and freeze, I don’t care. While you are at it, why don’t you get a new Mommy since I do nothing right for you. You know what, you seem to know so much, why don’t you just go out and get your own apartment while you are at it!

As if that response wasn’t good enough, I ended it with a dramatic slam of my bedroom door (yes, I know I am 40 and the adult but whatever).

After I was dressed and ready to warm up the van, I spotted M sitting all by himself in his room. He was looking out the window wearing the gray sweatshirt I had picked out.

I felt like crap! M looked so innocent sitting there, playing with the nightlight – we have told him a million times NOT to play with.

I went over and hugged him and told him I loved him. We decided he could keep me for a mom since we would both miss each other if he got a new one.

Together we walked downstairs and proceeded to put on coats, hats, gloves and mittens. Everyone was dressed, teeth brushed and ready to go.

You know what, maybe this mom stuff isn’t so bad I thought, as I pulled on my pink gloves and reached for my keys.

Let’s go, everyone to the car I said and at that moment, M spilled his entire cup of orange juice all over the floor.

Oh My F’n God, I must be on candid camera! I yelled to no one (the kids were in the car) as I cleaned up the orange juice. How can this be my life?? I said as I slammed the front door shut and drove to the bus stop.

The spilled oj was it. I am done, I quit.

Don’t worry, I will resume my mom duties today again at 5pm when I get the twins from after care and go home and start dinner. It is not a glamorous life but it’s my life – the good, the bad and the ugly.

Lol, who knows, maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

Ugh, sometimes I hate my life

Lost a tooth and tackled training wheels

Sunday was NOT  Funday in my house. The kids were up at 6:05a talking to me (NEVER Dad)  about juice and Backyardigans, the house was a disaster, we had a make up soccer game at 1pm (smack in the middle of the day) and maybe I had drunk a little too much wine the night before.

I knew it would be rough when 2 cups of coffee hadn’t  jolted me awake and the sound of  little kids killing each other over monster trucks was like nails scraping down a chalk board.

At some point I waved the white flag and surrendered to the kids, they had won (for now) and I had no more energy (or desire) to fight. Each whine of Moooooomeeee was answered with a I don’t care or hit him back as I tackled the mounds of laundry and dust build-up.

It was one of those days were EVERTHING was a fight.

I don’t want to go to soccer. Mom, why do I have to wear my soccer socks? No Mommy, I don’t want chicken for lunch, why do you ALWAYS give me chicken?! I hate chicken and I am never gonna eat it again. We have soccer AGAIN but I’m SO tired. I never get to kick the ball into the net, soccer is boring AND that’s not fair Mommy, I’m not talking to you anymore.

The soccer game was close (2-1) and the twins did well, except the one time M kicked the ball the wrong way and the Coach literally walked him to the goal. The little kids were nuts running all over the field (including on the actual playing field), fighting over a soccer ball and who would sit on Daddy’s lap.

By half time the little kids were bored and luckily Wawa had brought lollipops which distracted them for all of 5 minutes. What mom doesn’t love to hear Mommy I done and be handed a half eaten Dum-Dum?

If you have never had the opportunity of herding  4 kids through a PAL parking lot, while they kick a soccer ball, cry that they are thirsty and run in front of cars, while carrying a 30-pound toddler, consider yourself lucky.

The husband had promised to take the twins to Perkins for pancakes so he dropped me and the little kids off at the house. I was thrilled to see that L had fallen asleep and as I carried him into the house I was giddily thinking about the nap I would take  – when suddenly his head popped up and he demanded to be put down to play with his monster truck.

Damn it!

The next hour consisted of L crying and biting J while they fought over monster trucks and dvds. When I head the van pull up outside I thought it was my chance to break free and go food shopping alone. I fluffed my hair and casually greeted the husband at the door with my keys in hand. Instead I was greeted by M who told me that he was going to take the training wheels off his bike NOW.

Seriously? Now?!

Needless to say my escape was postponed. Instead I walked the little kids around our complex on their Big Wheels – as they fought with each other over who went first. It was a blast as I am sure you can imagine. Sometime around L riding his bike out into the street and J taking off for the tennis courts (alone), I found myself texting a friend Dude, seriously simetumes I hate my life.

Yes my pity party was in full swing as I sat in the tennis courts looking at my lollipop stained yoga pants. This isn’t fair. All I wanted to do was go food shopping, and sleep till maybe 7am, and now I am stuck refereeing 2 wacko kids on big wheels. The house is a mess and I still have a ton of laundry to finish and where the hell did the husband disappear to????!

It was then that I saw M riding his bike, sans training wheels, on the street with the BIGGEST smile on his face. J was clapping and saying M YOU DID IT! and the husband never looked so proud. I felt like a jerk and the worst mom ever.

I should be appreciating the this time with my kids and not complaining about it. Who cares about the laundry and food shopping?

I quickly texted my friend and apologized for sounding like a baby explaining that I was just tired when they wrote back and said No, just a mom who’s trying to do it all 🙂

 At that minute, that was THE nicest text I had ever gotten. I even felt a little misty behind my sunglasses (I have pms and am not usually that sappy.

I got myself up and out of the tennis courts, with L who was SCREAMING at the top of his lungs that he wanted to change bikes, went home and composed myself. I congratulated M on his bike riding and hugged him tight – my baby was growing up.

I finally got to go food shopping and I will spare you the drama I encountered when I got home – trust me it was BAD. The groceries got put away, the laundry finally got done (unless you count the load still in the dryer) and the kids all got bathed and put in bed (not counting L who cried for an hour).

Later, I was sitting on my bed, in my favorite pink and white polka dot pj pants, playing around on the iPad and feeling relieved I had survived the day and was now all alone. Yes, there were many moments I was not proud of but also some I will never forget.  


Decisions, decisions, decisions

English: Razor Pro Model built in Feb. 2010

English: Razor Pro Model built in Feb. 2010 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Today is the twins 6th birthday.  I remember crying, in a drug induced fog, when they wheeled me back into my hospital room repeating over and over again OMG it’s 2 boys?!

The twins have been complete opposites since the womb. M has always been high maintenance, always needing to be seen and heard and be right. J is very laid back, doesn’t like a lot of attention and is quite content to be watching tv or looking at car magazines.

M wants EVERYTHING he sees on tv and whatever the newest trend is (currently he loves Legos, ninjas, Batman and The Avengers). J could care less about any of the Avengers and would rather have a Matchbox car than a Lego.

When the boys go to Target M picks out 100 things he wants (and needs) as soon as we walk in the store. J can take an hour to decide between a blue and green Monster Truck.

The boys are like night and day which is fine except when it comes to birthdays (and Christmas) and what kind of present(s) they want. M started making a birthday list on December 26th. Everyday he looked at the calendar to see how far away June was and demand to know why he was born in the summer and not winter.

J also looked at the calendar but rarely mentioned anything he wanted. If he did see something he liked, it was usually something BIG that cost over $200 (new bike, dune buggy, ATV).

As their birthday approached, the husband and I (well more me) started to worry about what to get the twins. M was pretty easy since he had a never-ending list but what about J?? I kept thinking an idea would just come to me but one never did.

Desperate,  last night I asked J if he wanted to go to TRU with me (alone) to pick out a present. Shocked he asked  M isn’t coming? Just me and you? and quickly got his shoes and ran to the van.

We got to the store and I told J to pick out whatever he wanted (within reason) and he just stood there. I coaxed him inside and we walked up and down EVERY SINGLE AISLE and J saw NOTHING he wanted. We repeated this THREE MORE TIMES and still he saw nothing he wanted.

Now it is after 8pm and I am just amazed that this kid can not pick out 1 toy in the entire TRU. His brother would have had 3 carts filled by now, heck, his father would have had a cart filled!

 I was getting tired so I started rattling off a list of stuff, begging him to pick something, anything so we could leave. Wii game, skate board, scooter, RC car, Lego????? Nah was all I got.

I sat down on a box and pulled J close to me. I looked him in the eyes and told him (ever so calmly) that the store was closing and he had to pick something or we were leaving. He stared at me with his big, hazel eyes (he is so cute!) and I could see him processing what I said. FINALLY he decided upon a scooter (we only had to stare at the scooter for 15 minutes until he found one he liked).

J fell asleep on the way home and looked so happy and peaceful. It is rare that I am ever alone with J and I think he was truly happy just being with me with no interruptions or brothers telling him what to do.

Happy Birthday to my men and many more!!!! 

Wordless Wednesday

Arrrrgh – how could someone so cute and lovable be so impossible and stubborn???????!!! (and no I am not talking about me in the picture).

Happy Wordless (sort of) Wednesday

My Life Sucked Today or Maybe it was Just an Inconvenience

English: Dunkin Donuts Dozen Donuts Box

Image via Wikipedia

You know when you are just having one of those weeks? A week when at the end of each day you tell yourself tomorrow will be better and then tomorrow comes and it’s not. Welcome to my week!

I really thought nothing could top Tuesday (the day of my horrible “tough love” review at work). Well today ran a close second and left me saying my life sucks all day. Today was day #4 of no babysitter. I had used up all the alternate sitters so it was my turn to stay home (again). Lucky me also had a project due today at 4pm. No need to panic, I can do this I thought to myself. I emailed everyone at work and advised that I would complete the project from home. Piece of cake right?

NO! After I hit send I realized a) there would be 3 kids home with me, b) I needed to stop into the office to pick up some stuff to complete the project and c) J has out-patient speech on Thursdays at 8am and needs a ride to school afterwards. HELP!

I arranged for my uncle to take J to speech and school so that was one thing off my list. Well sort of , except J decided he wasn’t leaving the house today. This meant I had to carry him to the car (with no coat) and me wearing no shoes or socks. Did I mention it was raining and 38 degrees out?

Next was the trip into work with the twins and L (my 2yo terror). I tried to make the trip sound fun but the twins had already seen where I work so they were on to me. So I did the next best thing, I bribed them. Today’s bribe was munchkins as many as they wanted. Too bad I had to dig around for their Valentine’s Day money to pay for them since I had given my uncle my debit card for J’s speech.

The complaining started as soon as we pulled out of my complex but I raised the volume on the radio and ignored it the best I could. Overall the trip into work wasnt too disastrous and the kids were fairly well behaved unless you count L getting pushed off my chair and hitting his head on the wall, the twins killing each over the buttons in the elevator and L hitting the alarm button in the elevator on our way out. On the van ride home the kids sang along to the radio and I chanted my life sucks in my head.

I set the kids up with munchkins and Nick Jr. and attempted to “work” in my office kitchen when we got home. The kids would come in every 10 minutes to announce that they were thirsty or hungry or tired or bored and I would ignore them mostly. At one point I found myself telling M it was time he taught himself how to pour orange juice and telling L to go take a nap (like that would ever happen). In between, I also managed to do some laundry, clean up spilled orange juice (L not M), take the dog out, play phone tag with the IS guy at work about the error message on my computer and get J off the bus.

Somehow it all got done. The error message went away and the project was complete. The kids were fed and bathed and even played some Wii bowling before bed. Now as I sit here and recap my day I think it was probably unfair of me to say my life sucked today. No it was not a great day but did it really suck? Maybe everything that happened, the sick sitter, the work project, kids fighting, J’s tantrum , etc. were just inconveniences. Inconveniences that helped me prove to myself that I could make it till bedtime and finish what I needed to do.

I can’t promise that I will not use the mantra “my life sucks” again. In fact, I can’t promise that it won’t be used again this weekend or tomorrow for that matter. However, I will try to stop and think before I use it – and make sure I have plenty of munchkins to use for bribes.

Bowling pins, cupcakes and memories

Today the kids and I went to my nephew’s 3rd birthday party at a bowling alley. When I got the evite last month my first thought was not excitement it was dread.  Me with 4 kids at a bowling party on a Saturday afternoon?? Was my sister-in-law insane? It would be crowded and loud and the kids would be all over the place. How the heck would I be able to help the twins bowl and keep an eye on J? I had visions of L running up and down the lanes hitting the pins or someone crying that they wanted to go home. What would I do if someone dropped a bowling ball? Poor me.

I had done it again, instead of being excited for the kids to try something new, something they may like, I made it all about me, my anxiety and my fears. I hate this about myself. While I don’t think I play the pity card too often, I do use it more than I should. Usually I play it before a party or some sort of social gathering when I will be responsible for my kids and other people will be around to see (and possibly judge) me and my  parenting. What will people think if L is running all over or if the twins cry? Will they think I am one of those mothers that lets their kids do xy & z? Will they think I am a flustered mess?

Well I survived the party and the kids had an absolute blast bowling. All my worrying was for not since no one paid any attention to me.  Why would they? Today was not about me and my insecurities it was about a 3yo’s birthday and his cousins having a great time trying something new. During the party I took a minute to take it all in, to watch all my kids and really look at the smiles on their faces as they would throw the bowling ball and watch it hit the pins. The excitement as my 2yo got a spare his first time up or the way the kids sang Happy Birthday and fought over Lighting McQueen goody bags. That is what it is all about.

I decided on the way home to make a change. To take a lesson from my own kids and just start enjoying the moment and stop worrying. After all, if I want my kids to enjoy life and trying new things I need to be the one to set the example. So for now I will enjoy my leftover cupcake and look forward to the next birthday invitation and whatever adventure it will bring.

Good night, sleep tight don’t let the bedbugs bite

English: A Sleeping moon in a cap.

Image via Wikipedia

Since becoming a mom way back in 2006, I can divide my life into 2 time periods – before kids (BK) and after kids (AK). Everything BK is a distant memory, things I may not have appreciated or just took  for granted. Not the milestones like meeting the husband on a blind date, getting married or even turning 30. I mean the little things, day-to-day things that I assumed would always be there. Shopping in the mall without a stroller, bypassing the toy section while on a  Target run,  eating out at the local diner (sometimes 2x in the same weekend) and being in the bathroom (whether it be for a shower or for “other” reasons) alone.

Mostly I look back on the BK things fondly and don’t dwell too much. Life AK does not allow me the time to sit around and think about the good old days. I have diapers to change, laundry piled up, kids to feed, toys to pick up and drinks to pour. The one thing that I miss and long for every day is sleep.

I am not talking about sleeping till noon on a weekend after a night out or taking a nap on a lazy, Sunday afternoon. No the sleep I am talking about, and miss oh so much, is the glorious, dream filled sleep you get from simply sleeping  though the night uninterrupted.

BK I would go to bed around 10 or 11pm and wake up at 7:30am for work and maybe 9 or 10am on a weekend. I NEVER appreciated how good I had it.  I got pregnant with the twins in the fall of 2006 and that was the last time I slept through the night.  First, there were the nighttime feedings (those lasted FOREVER in our house. Then there were (and are)  the colds and ear infections or maybe the occasional stomach flu. Just when you think you’re on your way to a good night sleep you get whacked with bad dreams or bed wetting or a 2yo who thinks my bed is his.

I always tell people (especially new parents) that you can not describe the tired that you feel AK.  You have to experience it to fully appreciate it  Pulling an nighter in college  is NOTHING compared to being in a dead sleep and hearing the words mommy..mommy…mommy are you sleeping? at 2am or finally getting newborn twin 1 to sleep when twin 2 would wake up screaming for his bottle.

I think once you become a mom your sleep is never the same. Moms can always hear the kid who is crying or coughing and know exactly which kid it is.  Moms are the ones who check under the bed at 3:00am for the monsters or wait up on the couch for the teens who missed curfew.

I have accepted that I will always be tired and never sleep the way I did BK.  When I tiptoe into the kids’ room at night and look at their sweet, sleeping  faces I know I wouldn’t  trade life AK for all the sleep in the world – just maybe a nap now and then.

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