Tick- tick- tick- tick
This is the only sound I hear in my head now (literally, I am sitting next to a loud clock with a second hand) as I count down the remaining 1 hour and 14 minutes or so that remain of my 30s.
I am typing this while sipping some $2 Chuck and snacking on the kids’ leftover m&ms in utter denial that I am about to turn 40. I know, I have talked about this ad nauseam for months – enough already! But it’s serious now, it’s literally an hour away.
I understand that age is just a number and you are only as old as you feel. I know that I should embrace my 40s (they are the “new” 30s) and become my own woman. I should be happy I am not in my 20s anymore (actually I am ok with that one) and look forward to this next chapter in my life cause after all, it’s better than the alternative.
I know that I will look exactly the same when I am woken up by the kids tomorrow at 6am (except for my new polka dot pj pants purchased at Target tonight) and that essentially everything will be exactly the same tomorrow as it is right now (except with cake and cards). I get all that but still I am a little sad.
I just feel a little old. I remember when my mom turned 40 and my grandpa thew her and my grandma a surprise party (they sort of shared the same birthday). I was 15 and had recently gotten a perm (don’t ask) and I made us late for the party because I didn’t like how my hair looked (I was 15 after all). I remember sitting there and thinking OMG my mom is 40, I hope I am never that old!!
I remember going to my uncle’s surprise 40th birthday party and watching him open up a present and hold up a t-shirt that had the letters S-H-I-T So Happy I Turned Forty printed on it. Everyone laughed when he held up the shirt and I rolled my eyes thinking that old people were so weird.
When my father turned 40 his wife (at the time) was 10 years younger and bought him a Carvel ice cream cake that said Happy 1st Anniversary of Your 39th Birthday and I remember how we all laughed thinking that would NEVER be us on the other end of that cake.
Well now it’s my turn and all I keep thinking is How the hell did that happen?!
I swear it was just yesterday that I was just 24 and having drinks at The Office in Montclair with my friends M, L and L’s boyfriend (now hubby) T talking about how I was going to be 25 and how that was like SO old (yes, I was an ass). Wasn’t I just 30 and going to celebrate with the husband at the Molly Pitcher Inn in Red Bank for dinner? Wait, wasn’t it just the other day that I was almost 34 and about to have the twins?! Where the hell did the time go??!!
All day I have been doing a little check-list in my head of all the things I haven’t done (I haven’t gone to Europe or Hawaii, won the lottery, lost the last 10lbs from when L was born, had a 1 night stand or been swept off my feet by George Clooney). I also checked off some things I DID do (had 4 cute kids, got married, made some great friends, learned what a friend is, gained some confidence and started blogging).
I guess the things I have done outweight the things I haven’t (except maybe the George one) and I would like to take a minute to bid adieu to some things I hope to leave behind in my 30s.
Goodbye scared, insecure girl always afraid of saying the wrong thing or worrying that someone won’t like her; Adios being intimidated by people who THINK they are smarter, prettier, more successful etc.; farewell always looking in the mirror and picking out all the faults; and hasta la vista being afraid to try something new for fear of looking dumb.
I am getting a little sleepy (old age does that to a person) so I guess I will wrap up. The husband and I are leaving for an overnight trip to Cape May tomorrow and I will do my best to enjoy the quiet that comes with leaving the kids at home!!
Happy birthday to me and let’s hope there are MANY more!